Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Yesterday was not the best day ever. It turned out that Rebecca stayed over for the night. I loved having her here and I am glad that she stayed. However, it was just a hard time overall being with a friend and eating in front of a friend. My dad got us sandwiches from Jason's Deli. I had this turkey and guacamole sandwich on a bagel. I felt so unhealthy eating it. And it was so hard to eat it in front of her. I have no clue why. It was kind of miserable because all I could think about was how guilty I felt for eating it and how she must have been judging me for what I was eating.


Thankfully, due to the practice with the ABCDE journal I was able to rationalize the situation. I reminded myself that she had a sandwich that was much bigger than mine, she had a piece of bread, and a lot of salad with hers, and she ate it all. I ate the same amount if not less. She wasn't judging me for that. I don't know where I get this stuff in my head. It was also hard just because my routine was messed up because she was there in the morning. This bothered me so much. I don't know why. I started crying because of it. All because I couldn't eat my normal breakfast and exercise. But after a while I just accepted it and had fun. She is very sweet.

After she left I worked out. I tried to run but I got a terrible side ache after about 10 minutes. I was so upset. I started crying on my run. I honestly felt like the Lord was not allowing me to go far. I was running because I "had to" not because I wanted to. It was like I was battling out with anorexia and the Lord. Mary Ellen said something interesting to me on Tuesday. I told her how I get frustrated that I can't for over 40 minutes. She told me that the Lord was not letting me. He is not going to let me go farther because that will just concrete in my mind that I have to push myself harder and harder. I think she is right. Its so frustrating though because I want to run. I want to do races. I want to accomplish it. I need something to work towards. I honestly feel like if I can't eat like a rabbit like I want to, than I HAVE to be able to work out as much as I want to. But that is not balanced I know. Finding a balance is so hard! 

After I took a shower and got dressed at 2 in the afternoon :P....I just laid on my bed and cried. I think the stress of the day just couldn't be buried inside any longer. It was nice to just have that release. But I still had the blues the rest of the day. However, I am hoping that today is better. I wish that Kristin (my doctor) would call back about the depression med's. I really want to start taking them. I need help. I am so tired of being sad and irrational all the time. These mood swings are driving myself (and my family) crazy. :P 

On the Road Again

I have kind of been having a bumpy ride the last few weeks. 1 day I am happy and things are great....the next 3 days then are miserable. I repeat this cycle often. But I am hoping that this cycle is breaking.


I feel great right now. Some of the best I have felt in a long time. Yesterday was great (after counseling...before that was not to hot). I feel peaceful and hopeful. I haven't felt that way in years. Even though I was having a great day yesterday, I still struggled with eating. I felt guilty after I ate a bag of popcorn, ate tons of almonds and walnuts, and nibbled on gingerbread. But I was okay. I made it through. I did it. And the Lord still loves me and cares. This has been a tough journey so far but I really feel as though it is going to get better from this point on. I feel like I am really on the ban wagon. My heart is in it. Before, I was just telling myself that this was what I had to do. I wasn't behind the idea of gaining weight fully. I feel a lot more motivated and excited for the future. 


Today, Rebecca (friend) is coming over to bake cookies, hang out, and go shopping. I haven't gotten together with a friend since..............................I honestly can't remember. I remember going to a party in the middle of summer and I saw friends there.....otherwise....I haven't seen a friend since then. How sad is that. Its been 5 months since I have seen a friend. I have distanced myself so much. Its terrible. Look at all this time I have lost. But you know what?!?!? I am not going to look at the past! I am just going to look towards the future! I am going to learn from that experience and move on! 


I am finally getting a chance to read non-textbooks! I love reading! I am reading Jane Eyre right now. It is very sad but very good! And then after Christmas I am going to read Sense and Sensibility! YAY! I love Jane Austen. Today I think I will decorate my bedroom for Christmas! :D My mom bought these really cute colored lights that I am going to hang up! I also have to find my wreath and candy canes! YAY! I love Christmas! I am going to go work out now.....and for once.....not because I have to....but because I want to!!!!! :D Life is good.


So long,
Deb