A Greater Purpose

So it has been a while since I posted. After my last post, surprisingly, I felt awesome. I think that I have really need to get all of that out. I have been keeping it buried up inside of me and it felt great to get it out in the open.

I had a very fun filled weekend spent with the family and our family friends, the Landrys. We enjoyed lots of talking, watching of movies, shopping, and eating. I was so proud of myself. I ate a lot and I didn't have the regular guilt that I normally do. :D It was very relieving and I am sure that I gained some weight (i am not weighing myself but I can feel it). And surprisingly, I am not too upset about gaining weight. why? Because I am slowing learning that I have a greater purpose.

Right now I am reading a book called Unsqueezed by Margot Starbuck. It is GREAT. I would recommend anyone who has an ED or any woman for a matter of fact to read it. She is a great writer, very funny, and very honest. The description on the back reads, "Are you stuck in a mold that doesn't fit? Do you find yourself checking the mirror and wondering you look good enough? Are your clothing choices all about disguising your flaws? Do you sometimes think plastic surgery might be the only way for you to feel good about your body? Wouldn't it be great if no of that mattered? Come and join Margot Starbuck in her journey to become unsqueezed! In twenty-seven brief, funny, and reflective chapters, she helps us discover why God really gave us bodies and what we can do with them. Jump out of that suffocating mold and discover what your body is really for."

I am only two chapters in and I already love it. Her introduction to the book was even very helpful! She talks about a passage in Luke. Luke 11:27 in fact. It is the passage where a woman in a crowd that was listening to Jesus shouted, "Blessed is the womb that bore you and the breasts that nursed you!" Back then, women were valued for their birthing capabilities just like we are valued for our physical appearances. Do you wanna hear what the Lord said?

He said, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it!" Margot Starbuck writes, " Ones [women] who are eye-catching and ones who are not are called blessed when they respond to God. Finally, bodies that are blessed are within reach of all."

Wow. This kind of hit home for me. We really do have a greater purpose. And something else I was thinking about is why oh why oh why...do I try to please the world with unattainable beauty. I am wasting time, energy, my relationship with the Lord for what? In order for some people to think that I am pretty and fit? Is that really long lasting? When I die and go to heaven will the Lord say, "Well done my good and faithful servant, " because I spent hours working out, restricting my food, and thinking about my outward beauty? N.O. What will people remember when I die? "Well she worked out a lot and was always thinking and worrying about food." That's what I am achieving right now. That's what I will be remembered by if I continue in the path that I am.

I don't want that. I want to be remembered for hearing the word of God and obeying it!!!!! And this is my first step in hearing the word of God and obeying it! I have to stop valuing my outward appearance over my inward heart. I have to stop idolizing weight, exercise, healthy food, and being beautiful. NOW. THAT'S ENOUGH! I am sick of it and I know for a fact that the Lord is not pleased with it either! I encourage all to look deep within their hearts and evaluate their greater purpose. Stop putting God on the back burner. Stop saying that you value the Lord more than your looks and put it into action! (I am really just yelling this to myself.......I struggle with this more than anyone I know!) I feel more empowered and capable now that I ever did after exercising for several hours and burning ridiculous amounts of calories! Being the cookie cutter beautiful is unattainable. Pleasing the Lord and obeying and hearing His word is something I CAN DO! I CAN! "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." 

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WARNING: A Debbie Downer Post About.... BOYS!

So I have been doing lots of thinking lately. As always. I'm a constant thinker. Many times its to my own detriment. I think and over think stuff way to often. I think its the perfectionist in me! :P Anyways, I have been thinking way to much about my appearance lately. I hate that. I really hate how vain I am. (and yes I hate it...and that's okay because we are supposed to hate sin, right?) Why have I become so concerned about my appearance. Its terrible. I used to excuse this vanity as just being self conscious. I don't like how I look. I am not vain in that I think I am beautiful and post pictures of myself everywhere and can't stop looking at myself. I am vain in that I get so upset when there are pictures posted on facebook of me (i really don't like pictures of myself...I would rather never have a picture taken of me). I avoid looking in the mirror because I don't like what I see. I spend hours sometimes trying to find an outfit that will redeem me. I think this is all a huge reason why I became anorexic. I have always thought that I was ugly. I think that my face is ugly, hair is ugly, feet are ugly, everything. And I always thought mybody was ugly (like my stomach, legs, arms). So after years of trying to change the appearance of my face and hair with no avail, I decided that I would change my body. That was something that I could control. So I did. And here I am. More insecure and worried about my body than ever. UGH. 

Why am I so obsessed with how I look? I know this is going to sound weird but I have no deformities or really any appearance that is REALLY odd or disfigured. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I can't seem to be satisfied. I feel so guilty about this. God has given me so much...and I am so unthankful and dissatisfied. I read verses and know that I need to change this but as hard as I try (okay I probably don't try hard enough) I am not happy with how I look.

So before this year I have never been asked out by a guy. Never. I was asked out for the first time at age eighteen by a guy who was cute I'll admit it, but a major jerk too. This has killed me. I am so ashamed of this. I have lived with friends telling me about how this guy likes them and how that guy has asked them out for years. I have been so jealous. I have known of one other guy who FOR SURE liked me when I was like 13. But that's it. That is my guy history. I have GORGEOUS sisters and weekly, yes weekly, they tell me about some guy that asked them out or some guy who likes them. It hurts so much to hear this. And whats worse is that I was asked out when I was my thinnest. I feel like that is the only time that I am attractive to the male species. When I am skinny as heck. My plan worked in my head. I became attractive when I was so skinny. Why? Why did I have to be asked out FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER when I was my thinnest? This does no good for my recovery.  

Because I am a girl, I want to be accepted and beautiful by guys. Its just my nature. But I have put so much concern and waste of time into this. I am so selfish, vain, and wrong and I just want out. I feel like I can never get out of this. I know I can, with the Lord's help but it ain't happenin' quickly. I don't tell anyone these things becauseTHE LAST thing that I want is pitty and people telling me I am beautiful because they feel like they  have to in order for me to feel good about myself. I have dug this pit for myself and don't know how to get out. HELP! 

I honestly don't feel like I can truly recover from my anorexia until I have resolved this. I don't know how to resolve it. I read my Bible and pray but I never feel at peace in this area of my life. I live in fear that because I am so vain and selfish that God is going to cause me to get into an accident that will disfigure me or I will get some disease that will make me ugly. God isn't like that. He doesn't just strike us down when we are weak. Yet, I am so guilty about this that I feel like I deserve that in order for me to learn my lesson. Okay well enough of this. I am going to go work out in hopes that I somehow can become beautiful. Lovely cycle, huh? 

Later.

Yawn!

So I just got back from the partay! I am exhausted. Utterly pooped. My eyes are all droopy like a tired puppy. :D I had a good time though! It was a little disappointing because I didn't get much of a chance to talk to some of my better friends but talking to people I don't know very well is also good! I ended up not eating anything at the party. I honestly did not feel well enough to eat sweets. My dad had bought me and Anna (sister) some hot chocolate for our ride down to the party (so sweet of him). However, I know this about myself, but I really can't drink that much milk/sugar/whipped creme/chocolate. I always feel sick after I do. I can't even drink Starbucks anymore. Even the skinny lattes. I don't know what they put in those things....but I always end up feeling sick. I really wanted the hot chocolate though so I drank a little over half of my cup. I felt nasty the rest of the night. I am all rumbly and tumbly in my tummy! ( ahhaha.....I love winnie the pooh...yes I know I am 18... and yes I know it is silly/immature to quote Winnie the Pooh!) Therefore, the goodies at the party looked very un-appetizing. Overall it was a much better day than yesterday and I am very thankful! Hopefully tomorrow will be even better! Alright...I am off to bed! Night!

P.S. I have posted way to much today....less computer time tomorrow! 

Recap on Life

So I don't really have many readers. Probably just the blogger snackgirlgoeshealthy.wordpress.com. But I want to just reflect on the last few weeks that I haven't posted about. Things have been good and bad. Right after I started taking my depression meds I felt awesome! For 2 weeks straight (ya you heard me) I was for the most part happy. I have not gone that long without feeling terribly sad in....years. It was great. I had more great times with Mary Ellen (counselor). She just keeps on showing me how much the Lord loves me and cares about my life. However, last week was utter crap. Seriously. Yuck. I felt fat, ugly, guilty, depressed, all the usual stuff that has taken over my life for the past few years. I don't know what reversed everything. It was like a flick of a switch. I was being irrational all over again and felt the terrible guilt again. 

Friday night (Christmas Eve) was not so fun. It started out with watching a fave Christmas movie of mine and ended with crying and a "discussion" with the whole family. We always have these "discussions" on holidays. Its wierd how it always works out that way. Anyways, it ended up being good to get some things out and work through some family issues. I woke up on Christmas and ate breakfast and such. We were supposed to have a big family breakfast but my parents were talking about the previous night (a good talk I hear) and we didn't end up eating until 1. We had a delicious breakfast/brunch/lunch of blueberry pancakes, bacon, steamed spinich, fried eggs, and grapefruit! Yum! 

We then opened our stockings (we opened big gifts with Dave and Rach present on Thursday). I got lots of goodies! 

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I gave Sarah a cool mug that a friend from work made. Even though the gifts were great...it just didn't really feel like Christmas. And my week of blues was still continuing. However watching some Jim Gaffigan made me laugh and watching Inception made me LOVE Leo so much more! hahah! I ended up watching it again (twice actually) on sunday! Hahah! I love that movie! But I ate a lot of food. Really I did. And even though I felt guilty and bad about it....it really was nothing compared to how I used to feel after eating junk. Yesterday was pretty terrible though. I cried and cried and cried. No clue why. Okay maybe I do. I think it was a combo of a stinky Christmas, irrational thinking, ED thoughts, missing my bro and sis in law, feeling disconnected with my friends this holiday season, etc. However today is proving to be much better.

I actually just conquered something that ED has always caused problems with. I pretty much don't let anyone touch my food. Hahah! That sounds crazy....but really.......I make my breakfast and lunch everyday. Many times I make my own dinner. I don't like people touching my food. Why? Because they don't know the rules I have made for myself. However, today my mom offered to warm me up some soup she had made. My first instinct was to say..."No I will get it myself." But I decided, "No. I need to let mom do whatever she wants with my food and I will eat it." I think it meant a lot to her that she could make me lunch without me fussing over what she was making me. She offered for me to have a salad on the side. I loved the idea...however when she gave it to me....it was one of those salad's that says "I'm saying that I am a salad but really I am just an excuse for lots of dressing, cheese, and meat." I kinda freaked. She put practically a gallon of blue cheese dressing on it, tons of cut up ham slices, and LOTS OF CHEESE! One word: CALORIES. However I told myself I was going to eat it. So I did. And it was good! The soup (french onion) was delish. The salad was good too (I really don't like that much dressing and cheese though...even if they were 5 cal's each). But I did it. Actually I didn't finish per say. I ate all the "salad" but I couldn't finish my soup. I was proud of myself though. I did it!

Tonight I am going to a Christmas Party at a friends. I wish I were excited. I am going to try to get pumped up for it! I am not going to 1. worry about the party food drinks I will consume 2. worry about what others think of me and how much I eat. Its going to be fun if I make it fun!!! So that's what I am going do! I wish I didn't have to force this on myself and that it just came natural like it used to. I used to love parties and seeing friends. Now it is a source of fear and anxiety. That's going to change though. I know it. I just need some time! I need to go write an email now! Bubye!

Doctor's Appointment

So I am going to the doctor again this morning! She is just going to see how I am doing with the depression medications. I am nervous though because I have not gained any weight since my last appointment. (i might have even lost some eeks!) I really have been trying though! I have eaten many a cookie, danish, chocolate, etc. But I have also still be working out like crazy. Not good. 

Christmas was okay I guess. Kind of depressing not have David and Rachel here though (bro and sis in law). Didn't feel like Christmas without them! Got some great goods though! My favorite: A SNUGGIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attractive Aye? haha! I should really go get ready! I still have to eat breakfast and get ready for the day all in 30 minutes! Yikes!


so long,
Deb

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Yesterday was not the best day ever. It turned out that Rebecca stayed over for the night. I loved having her here and I am glad that she stayed. However, it was just a hard time overall being with a friend and eating in front of a friend. My dad got us sandwiches from Jason's Deli. I had this turkey and guacamole sandwich on a bagel. I felt so unhealthy eating it. And it was so hard to eat it in front of her. I have no clue why. It was kind of miserable because all I could think about was how guilty I felt for eating it and how she must have been judging me for what I was eating.


Thankfully, due to the practice with the ABCDE journal I was able to rationalize the situation. I reminded myself that she had a sandwich that was much bigger than mine, she had a piece of bread, and a lot of salad with hers, and she ate it all. I ate the same amount if not less. She wasn't judging me for that. I don't know where I get this stuff in my head. It was also hard just because my routine was messed up because she was there in the morning. This bothered me so much. I don't know why. I started crying because of it. All because I couldn't eat my normal breakfast and exercise. But after a while I just accepted it and had fun. She is very sweet.

After she left I worked out. I tried to run but I got a terrible side ache after about 10 minutes. I was so upset. I started crying on my run. I honestly felt like the Lord was not allowing me to go far. I was running because I "had to" not because I wanted to. It was like I was battling out with anorexia and the Lord. Mary Ellen said something interesting to me on Tuesday. I told her how I get frustrated that I can't for over 40 minutes. She told me that the Lord was not letting me. He is not going to let me go farther because that will just concrete in my mind that I have to push myself harder and harder. I think she is right. Its so frustrating though because I want to run. I want to do races. I want to accomplish it. I need something to work towards. I honestly feel like if I can't eat like a rabbit like I want to, than I HAVE to be able to work out as much as I want to. But that is not balanced I know. Finding a balance is so hard! 

After I took a shower and got dressed at 2 in the afternoon :P....I just laid on my bed and cried. I think the stress of the day just couldn't be buried inside any longer. It was nice to just have that release. But I still had the blues the rest of the day. However, I am hoping that today is better. I wish that Kristin (my doctor) would call back about the depression med's. I really want to start taking them. I need help. I am so tired of being sad and irrational all the time. These mood swings are driving myself (and my family) crazy. :P 

On the Road Again

I have kind of been having a bumpy ride the last few weeks. 1 day I am happy and things are great....the next 3 days then are miserable. I repeat this cycle often. But I am hoping that this cycle is breaking.


I feel great right now. Some of the best I have felt in a long time. Yesterday was great (after counseling...before that was not to hot). I feel peaceful and hopeful. I haven't felt that way in years. Even though I was having a great day yesterday, I still struggled with eating. I felt guilty after I ate a bag of popcorn, ate tons of almonds and walnuts, and nibbled on gingerbread. But I was okay. I made it through. I did it. And the Lord still loves me and cares. This has been a tough journey so far but I really feel as though it is going to get better from this point on. I feel like I am really on the ban wagon. My heart is in it. Before, I was just telling myself that this was what I had to do. I wasn't behind the idea of gaining weight fully. I feel a lot more motivated and excited for the future. 


Today, Rebecca (friend) is coming over to bake cookies, hang out, and go shopping. I haven't gotten together with a friend since..............................I honestly can't remember. I remember going to a party in the middle of summer and I saw friends there.....otherwise....I haven't seen a friend since then. How sad is that. Its been 5 months since I have seen a friend. I have distanced myself so much. Its terrible. Look at all this time I have lost. But you know what?!?!? I am not going to look at the past! I am just going to look towards the future! I am going to learn from that experience and move on! 


I am finally getting a chance to read non-textbooks! I love reading! I am reading Jane Eyre right now. It is very sad but very good! And then after Christmas I am going to read Sense and Sensibility! YAY! I love Jane Austen. Today I think I will decorate my bedroom for Christmas! :D My mom bought these really cute colored lights that I am going to hang up! I also have to find my wreath and candy canes! YAY! I love Christmas! I am going to go work out now.....and for once.....not because I have to....but because I want to!!!!! :D Life is good.


So long,
Deb

Counseling and Peppermint Hot Chocolate

I just got home from counseling. Wow. It was great. Hard. But great. I feel so much better. I was really upset today. I cried a lot. I feel so go now that I am drinking Peppermint Hot Chocolate. YUM. I haven't had hot chocolate in forever. I tried to make hot chocolate with unsweetened cocoa powder a few weeks ago. Nasty. Didn't taste like hot chocolate. You just have to have the sugar. And the crushed up candy cane helps. :D


Mary Ellen started reading off my ABCDE journal entries at the very beginning. It was really humbling. I felt so ridiculous hearing her read what I wrote but it was what I was feeling at the time. I think she got a deeper perspective of who I am from reading it. (oh man this hot chocolate is so good....go get some right now!) Anyways, she talked a lot about how I view myself and how I hate myself. She thinks that a lot of it comes from neglect as a child. I don't know what its from. Maybe it was neglect. Like I said, I don't know.


Anyways, she talked a lot with me about how God loves me, skinny or fat, smart or stupid, happy or sad, angry or kind, ugly or beautiful, etc. It was amazing. For one of the first time in my life I really felt that God loves me for me. She kept on reminding me that I am the first and last of my kind. How amazing is that? I am the only one. I am unique and special. He made me to be me.....not Heidi Klum or Hilary Duff. ME. Why do I compare myself to people so much? Shouldn't I be looking to the Lord for His approval? And better yet....I don't have to work for that approval! HE ALREADY LOVES ME! He knows my heart, my imperfections, and my sin better than anyone and yet He has chosen me to be the object of His affection. I don't have to have all those attributes that would lead me to being the unachievable perfection I strive for.


She also talked about the parable of the prodigal son. The father loved his son despite what he had done. He didn't even care what his son had done. All he cared about was the fact that he was alive and there with him. That's all....no more....no less. This is the way the Lord thinks of us. He doesn't care what we do and what we weigh. He cares about whether or not we believe in Him. He is never going to give up on us. We might run from Him, but He will never leave us nor forsake us. And what am I doing? I am looking to the world.......those who will leave me, forsake me, wrongly judge me, hate me, despise me, etc. for the love I am desiring. How twisted is that?!?!!?!? I could have all the love in the world that I wanted and I am choosing a half love. A human love. I need to search out that God love. The love that no one else can give me.


In Luke 15 Jesus tells of the lost son:
"I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.   “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

   21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

   22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate."

I love how human this story is. The lost son, after all the sins he had commited, decided to go back to hi father. He planned out his speech to say to him (you know the speech we plan out in our head, "Mom, Dad, I am sorry for not obeying you. I won't stay out as late next time.") And when his father just sees him....before he has apologized or anything.....his father runs to him with hugs and kisses and excepts him as he is. He is not mad that his son was gone. The only thing in his heart is the joy that his son is with him now. Thats it.

The son then tries to give his speech but the father doesn't even remark or anything on it. He doesn't even scold his son or tell him how disappointed he was in him. He calls to his servants and makes him like a king. Throws him a party and accepts him into his loving care. This is just what the Lord does for us.

I am running back to the Lord now. I know that I have been lost. I have been entrapped in the sin of wanting to please others and making weight and beauty my idol. And he isn't judging me for it. Right now....I can feel in my heart his love, his arms, and his kisses for me. His lost daughter. The one that was dead but is alive again. The one that was lost and is found.

We always skip over the last part of this passage in Luke. The not so pleasant part. It goes something like this: 

"25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

   28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

   31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "


This is exactly how I have been. I have been expecting my works and obedience and my striving for perfection to be what God would consider praiseworthy and acceptable. I have known in my head forever that it is not works that get me salvation. But I don't think I have ever realized that it is not my works that make me lovable and worthy of love. Believing on the Lord Jesus is the best thing I can do. I don't want to live trying to be perfect. I never can be. I never will be. And yet the Lord still loves me. And He is the only one that I should be looking to for unconditional love and acceptance. Not the people of this world. They will let me down. I will let myself down. But HIS love will see me through. HIS love will make me whole. HIS love has given me life and a hope. I love the song How He Loves By the David Crowder Band. 

I know that everything is not solved and that I am still going to struggle (this scares me) but I feel like I have taken a HUGE leap forward. Not just with the anorexia, but with my self image, self worth, and my relationship with the Lord. I am glad that I have this blog to write this out. It will be good to come back and remember all the thoughts that are coursing through my head right now. Thank you Lord for your LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So long,
Deb <3

Flip a Switch

So I did it again. I just deleted my last post. AHHHHHHHHHHH! But I am not going to let it bother me. I did an abcde diary entry yesterday after deleting my post. It helped. Here it is:
Adversity: I accidentally erased a blog post that I had been writing for a half an hour.
Belief: I am stupid, a time waster, worthless, shameful, not good enough, cannot be trusted, cannot succeed, powerless, insignificant, a disappointment, a failure, I have to be perfect, I should have done something, and I cannot trust myself.
Consequences: I want to give up. I want to not write another post because I feel like I am a failure and there is no use. I feel not in control and I start to doubt my abilities in lots of areas. 
Disputation: It was an accident. I pushed a button (not purposefully) and it erased the post. This does not determine how smart and capable I am. I have an can succeed in life and people can trust me to get things done. I did lose a half an hour of time but it will be easy and much faster to write it a second time. No one is disappointed in me. I couldn't have prevented it. It was just an accident.
Effects: I feel more empowered with my capabilities. I realize that something like this is not something I should be upset about. The email post came out better the second time around. I feel capable to be trusted to do things in the future. 


Wow. It is amazing how much that brings my irrational frustration levels down. Rational thinking is genius. :D


So yesterday morning was kind of not a good one. My last post was kind of crazy but it is how my life is at the time. I feel like I am flipping a switch between Happiness and Peace to Sadness and Fear all the time. I know I am not bipolar and that it is just the depression. Anyways, weighed myself before I went to the doctor's (have not weighed myself in a week an a half (yay me!)) and let me say....I was not a happy sight after seeing the numbers.


I have gained 6 pounds in 4 weeks. 6. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I don't know if that is a happy ahhh or a scared ahhh. Kind of an unsure ahhhhh. I am happy that I am gaining and able to do it but I am also shocked at how fast I am gaining. I now my metabolism is messed up and stuff will be sticking to me like a tongue does to a flag pole.....but its scary. I started crying and a wave of sickness came over me after I saw how much I weighed. I didn't eat breakfast before I went to the doctor's. I couldn't. But I didn't exercise like a crazy person (I didn't have the time to to be quite frank). I also wasn't going to let myself. I kind of gave myself halfway to anorexia and halfway against anorexia. 


I know that this isn't the best. I shouldn't be serving the ana at all. Zilch. Zero. Nada. Comprende? haha! But sometimes I just have to go half way. I know I won't do this forever.....but for right now....its just a stepping stone and it is really an improvement. The fact that I didn't work out like a crazy person is a big step for me. 


Anyways, when I was weighed at the doctor's office I weighed even more than I did at my scale at home. Lovely. But because I wasn't in my own privacy (aka. nurse on my left mom on my right), I couldn't start hyperventilating. We waited for the doctor and I was scared. I didn't want her to see my weight but oh well she did. She actually didn't make any comments about it. I was the one who brought up the fact that I had gained weight (go figure.) . She didn't question for a minute that I didn't have a problem. She still talked about the fact that I had to get over the anorexia. All that jazz. I was being irrational yesterday. 


So she prescribed me some Prozac. "Depression hurts. But you don't have to." haha (advertisement!)! It wasn't what Mary Ellen suggested but she felt that it would be the best to help me with anorexia. Walmart (oh how I loathe you), ran out of prozac I guess and won't have any until wednesday or thursday. So I guess I will now if it is working in about 2 weeks or so (it takes a week to really feel any different). Ah. I hate med's. Yuck. Oh well...it will help. I am looking forward to not having the crazy "flip of the switch" moments as often. I feel crazy!


One thing that I am kind of upset about is that my doctor told me that I need to stop exercising so much. It was nice though because she admitted to me that exercise for lots of people is a stress reliever and an emotional help. But she said that the depression med'snothin! Now if I work out for more than that she is going to be worried. My mom never gets upset at my anorexic habits but I know that they hurt her and worry her. I don't want to do that. 


I feel like now I need to exercise in secret and not let my mom now how much I am exercising. I don't want to do that. I want to be open and honest. I don't want ana to be telling me to hide stuff from the very person who has saved my life and helped me so much. This is gonna be hard. I have to do it though because I need to get my period back. And my doctor thinks that I won't be able to when I am working out so much. I want to prove to her that it can come back with the weight gain but I doubt that it will. 


You see, I first lost my period in June. At that point I was still in the 140's. BUT, I was exercising about 1.5-2 hours a day. So it wasn't just the weight loss. It was the exercising. I hate to admit it....but I think she is right. I might have to go on birth control though to really get it back. Not only for that but also for the bone loss in my vertebra. I guess they use birth control to regain the estrogen that helps with bone mass for people who are pre-menopausal.  


I think I will cut my time of working out in half. Instead of 2 hours....1 hour. And I will do some days of just 30 minutes. That's okay. I won't become a flabby mess. Most people don't work out every day of the week for even 30 minutes. I am ahead of the game. ( i am saying that but I don't believe it). Like I said this will be a battle and challenge. But I will overcome it. I have to. I want to have children some day and its stupid that I am hurting my chances by exercising so much. exercise is exercise. It is not eternal and it is not where I should find my value in. I'm hungry. OATMEAL TIME!


Chow,
Deb 

Realization

So I just wrote almost a whole post and deleted it. Wow my blood is boiling. I have such a hard time dealing with mistakes like these. I start a whole process of hating myself and calling myself stupid. Ugh. I have to stop this. It was a little post that took me a half of an hour to write (half an hour?!?!?!? that's forever!!!!!!!). haha! Alright I have got to move on.

So this morning I woke up at about 3. I am kind of on a wake up early mode (not a chosen thing, just happens sometimes). I usually do lots of thinking when I can't sleep. Sometimes it is a good thing sometimes it isn't. Many times I lie there feeling sorry for myself. Today was a bit different thankfully. A bit more productive.

When I went to the doctors about a month ago, I was really not in a good place mentally. I had fasted the day before and the day of the appointment because I knew they would be weighing me. I was still in denial that I had a  real problem. I was kind of being a brat to be honest. My poor mother. I made her do all the talking. I was not going to admit why I was there and that I had a problem.

They took a bone density scan and drew blood to see if there had been any damage to my body because of the anorexia. To be perfectly honest I didn't care what I had done to my body. I just let them scan me and take my blood because I had to. I didn't even care what the results were going to be.

I received a call from a nurse a few days later. Thankfully I had done no long term damage to my body. She said that I had osteopenia (low bone density and the first stage of osteoporosis). I also had an extreme deficiency of vitamin D. When she told me this it was like someone telling me that the sky was blue. I didn't care. My mom went an got the prescription strength vitamin D (50,000 mg per pill!!!!!) It is weird though I wasn't concerned or anything.

Anyways, this morning I was thinking about this. I started remembering how apathetic I was towards the affects that anorexia has on the human body. We need food. We are made to eat food. If we don't eat that food, functions of our body stop or deteriorate. I had a realization that I was hurting my body when I wasn't eating enough and a well balanced diet. I started to think about the fact that I was hurting my very bones. That isn't even something I can see. That is deep inside. That is a core element to me. 

After about a month delay, I finally see the ramifications of this disorder I am battling. I think it will make it an easier battle to win. Think about it. I have all the cards on my side. Anorexia has nothing. Nothing but the "hope" of living a bony/skinny/tormented/slavelike life. I have the Lord, my family, Mary Ellen, my friends, my health, and so much more all rooting for me to win over that little voice in my head (in reality, the loud voice in my head!). 

I am so thankful for this realization. However things are not all perfect all of a sudden. The reason that I started thinking about all this is that fact that I am going back to the doctors this morning to get my depression medication signed off on. After my "realization", I also realized that they would be weighing me. A sudden wave of darkness, guilt, fear, and self destruction passed over me. I had not even thought about the fact that they would be weighing me. I immediately started regretting how much I ate yesterday (we had a thanksgiving feast with my mom's side of the family...thanksgiving x 2!!!!). I started planning how I was going to work out for a couple hours before I went because maybe it would shed a little weight off of me (completely unrealistic, I know). I thought about how I wouldn't eat breakfast before I go. How thankful I was that I remembered to take magnesium before bed so that I would be able to take my morning dump before I went to the doctors (a little less weight). I also thought about how I have a granola bar in my closet that I have been saving. 

I am allergic to maltodextrin. It basically clears my entire system in about a half an hour. I have been saving it. You want to know why? I have been saving it so that I can use it as a laxative. I have been saving it for a day when I need to shed weight fast and look thin. Hahahha! How ridiculous is that?????? I am using a granola bar as a way too literally poop all my troubles away (sorry a little tmi)! Wow, anorexia does some crazy things to a person.

Anyways, I am kind of battling this situation right now. Everything is telling me, "GO WORK OUT LIKE A MAD PERSON!!!!!!!!! DON'T EAT BREAKFAST BEFORE YOU GO!!!!!!!!!! EAT THE GRANOLA BAR LAXATIVE!!!!!!!!" Ahhh...I want to so badly. I always have this fear too that people are going to think I am overreacting and that I don't really have a problem. I know I have gained weight. I know it. And it has not just been a little weight. Its been a lot (okay like 3 pounds, not a lot, but it feels like a cow, and I haven't weighed myself all week...I have probably gained another pound). I am seriously afraid that my doctor is going to look at how much I have gained and say, "PshAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! I hate this! 

I do have a problem don't I?!?!? Ack. I woke up feeling so clarified in my mind. Now I am so confused. I hate this. I hate this sin and guilt and pressure. Lord, please help me! I want to go back to my anorexic ways so badly. I was in so much control then. I need to go write this down in my ABCDE diary. Post later. :(