Life changes A LOT when your havin' fun!

Hello! The last time I wrote a post was on April 28th 2011. As I read back at that old post, I can't believe that it was less than a year ago. So much of my life has changed (i.e. improved/digressed). Everyone should read posts of theirs from a year ago. Highly therapeutic to see the changes that have been made since that time.

Things that have changed:
I... am now a senior in college (WHAT THE WHA???? Crazy how time flies by).
I.... am officially an unofficial aunt (friend that is basically a sister had a baby boy...i.e. cutest child to ever live).
I... received 3rd place in my first triathlon (I'm an addict now)!

Some dude I had to hug while getting my ribbon.

I...transferred from community college to big kid school (a 4 year school).
I...finished the Bible Study I was in and began to "Break Free".
Tim Tebow moved to my state so that he could be the Broncos QB and get married to me.

"Thank you for choosing me to play for the Broncos! Now I will get to meet and marry Deborah Rose!"- Tim Tebow (actual quote... or not.)

I... regained a friendship from childhood that I never thought would be rekindled.
I... went backpacking for the first time in my life and didn't get eaten by bears!

Probably one of the coolest things I've done.

I... really started to live my life with the goal of serving/honoring the Lord Jesus Christ.
I... started a new job that I LOVE with great people (including my big sis).
I... passed my Calculus class. PRAISE GOD!
I... bought these cowboy boots (a MAJOR life event :P):
I... started spending money on myself and giving more to charities/my church (God gave me my money.....its time to USE IT rather than lock it up like a money hog).
I... finally started skipping days working out. If I don't feel like working out....I skip it. So much happier.
I... stopped weighing myself. I have NO CLUE what I weigh. Really. Like no clue. And I don't care. Ha.
I...met/had dinner with/ talked for an hour with/ got a signed shirt/ listened to a concert with/by my favorite singer : Priscilla Ahn!

She was SO sweet....we are all practically BFF's with her now.

I... stopped going to my counselor. Don't know if this is a good thing or not yet.
I... have a lot more friends now. Church, work, school, etc. have all given me great friends and now I finally enjoy going out! Even people who I met through The Thorn (previous post) are some of my closest friends. Yay for new friends!
I... went on a week long trip to Oregon.

On the Oregon Coast. Twas gorgeous!

I...have conquered pretty much every fear food I have. I now drink milk every day. Eat oatmeal only a few times a week for breakfast. Eat bread/bagel/some grain every day. I eat eggs again without feeling guilty. Have cut back on stuffing my face with salads. Have cookies/cake/pie/ice cream whenever I get the chance.You get the idea.
I... hiked and then drove to the top of Pikes Peak for the first time.

I'm on top of the WORLD!!!

I... had my first manicure ever. WHY have I not done this before??!?!?! Heaven on earth.
I... have a tummy roll, love handles, cellulite, and skin under my chin. I'm learning to deal with it.
I... ran my first Dirty Girl Mud Run with wonderful sisters and friends.

We called ourselves the "Dirty Denver Divas" I.E. the "Triple D's"!

I... had a wonderful Christmas with LOTS of delicious food. Yeah I probably gained weight. Who cares.

Yeah. I don't kid around with little portions. That's a thing of the past. LOAD ME UP!

Well I could go on tooting my own horn and showing off all of the fun things I have done, but I'm bored so you probably are too. All the things that I have been able to conquer really have not been through my own strength. I have a lot of support. Most of it from my Savior. I have truly learned that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13)

One more thing: On that plate of food is something that I made for the Christmas party I was at in that picture. It turned out great! I made some modifications that I think enhanced it:

Bacon and Brussels Sprout Hash

Recipe courtesy Tyler Florence, 2008

Prep Time:

20 min

Inactive Prep Time:

--

Cook Time:

25 min

Level:

Easy

Serves:

4 to 6 servings

Ingredients

• Extra-virgin olive oil
• 4 slices thick-cut bacon
• 4 sprigs fresh thyme
• 2 pints Brussels sprouts, cut in 1/2 (I kept them whole)
• 1 pound fingerling potatoes, split down the middle (I used large potatoes that I just cut into cubes)
• 1/2 pound red pearl onions, peeled (I just sliced 1 red onion)
• Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1/2 cup low-sodium chicken broth (I omitted this)
• 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• 1/4 bunch flat-leaf parsley, leaves roughly chopped (I don't like parsley so I omitted this)
• Additions:
• 2 TBS. minced garlic
• 1 tsp. ground sage
• 1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes
• 1 tsp. chopped rosemary
• 
  
• Directions

Set a large saute pan over medium heat and add a 2 count of olive oil. Cut bacon into long strips and add to pan together with thyme. Cook for 5 to 7 minutes to render the fat then strain and set aside. Add Brussels sprouts

My Directions
Set a large saute pan over medium heat. Slice bacon into long strips and toss in pan until nice and crispy. Remove bacon and leave bacon drippings in pan. Fry up your chopped onions until they are translucent. Meanwhile, roast your sliced potatoes and whole Brussels sprouts in oven at 425 degrees until they are nice and crispy (toss them around ever 10 minutes). Add them into the onions with all of the seasonings and balsamic vinegar (no chicken stock). Fry up for about 5 minutes on medium heat. Serve in warm dish and sprinkle bacon on top as a garnish. Devour.


Well reading this post probably took up half of your day so I will stop! Thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of your day!

Long time no see

Hello! I apologize for being MIA for the past few weeks. Thankfully, it is not because things have been bad.....they have been MUY BUENO!!!!!!!!!!!! (that is ALL I remember from taking Spanish for 2 years....oh dear) Thank you to all for your sweet comments and encouragement on my last post! I pray and hope that you all have found relief like I have.


How have things been great?!? Well....for starters...the last thing I go to bed thinking about and the first thing I think of when I wake up HAVE NOT BEEN ABOUT HATING MYSELF!!!! YAY! This has spilled over into the rest of my day too. I am finally going sometimes a few hours without thinking about food, how fat I am, etc. IT IS AMAZING. Absolutely life changing. I am not writing in a food journal anymore which even though it was SO helpful at the start....had turned into a restriction tool.


I AM INTUITIVELY EATING! Or at least trying to. It is really hard to KNOW what your body is wanting. Am I full? Am I hungry? But it is getting easier......at first I dropped some major poundage......I was eating too healthy....I was full all the time but I was full from eating large salads. So I hiked up my calorie intake again and I feel much better. Lately I have been craving chocolate. I have NEVER been a huge chocolate fan. But lately I am going CRAZY for chocolate! Not a bad thing since my dad gives me chocolate bars weekly! haha! :D And guess what?!?! I am letting myself eat them! YAY!


I have been so stressed out about life though......I am not doing as well in school as I would hope to be doing. I had a piano recital last week which I was cramming for. I can't find a job! :( I am also.....drum roll please..........IN THIS PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://vimeo.com/8868461

I am SUPER excited....I don't have any big roles (i started too late to audition). But I am a crowd person, slave, and mob person. Being the slave is the most fun! They have REAL WHIPS that they use! This play is AUTHENTIC! And best of all....it is changing my life. Never has the love of Christ been so real to me. I cry after every practice out of sheer joy and adoration for our loving Saviour. If it is in your city....please go. Not only is the story the best....but their is pyrotechnics, dancing, acrobatics, etc!!! It is like a Cirque de Sole show!!!!!!!!!! I am loving it! However....it is kind of stressing me out because we have practice a lot....but if it cuts into my studying time...it is totally worth it. This is for something WAY greater than perfect grades! 

Write now, the Lord is just teaching me to rely on Him and ask Him for help. I am also starting to be a part of a Bible study with my sisters and friends. I LOVE IT! 

This is the workbook for the study.

God is working SO much in my life right now. It is incredible. He is answering all my prayers and strengthening me for the future. I hope and pray that you all find the same strength, hope, freedom, happiness, joy, appreciation for life, and respect for your bodies that I have found. 

Love this quote: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." -Dolly Parton. I would have to agree with Miss Parton!

I'M HEALED! :D

First of all..........................thank you all so very much for your amazingly kind, encouraging, and wonderful comments on my last post and all of my posts. I appreciate you all so much and am so thankful to have support out there.

So I am healed. Cured. Fixed. Eating working at full capacity. Yeah. You heard me. 

After that whole twinkie episode.......I was cured. I will forever be a twinkie lover (okay I actually am not the biggest fan of twinkies but since I ate that twinkie.....I have been a new girl!) I have been eating pure JUNK and I don't give a crap. Not one bit. In the last day I have (with some help) eaten an entire chocolate bar. I don't really know how it happened. It just did. And I don't care! No....I am not binging and all that....I am just desperately trying to gain weight so I can stop living in this ED world.

I AM SO STINKIN' SICK OF IT....ALL OF IT! I never want to weigh myself EVER again.....I never want to count calories EVER again......I never want to pinch my stomach EVER again.....I never want to exercise for 3 hours straight EVER again. I am done. That's it. Enough. I am through. It was a terrible ride....and I am finally able to get off. I will never ever catch a ride on the ED train again. 

So you may be asking why all of a sudden I am "cured". I can give you only ONE REASON. His name is Jesus. He has saved my life. I give ALL the credit to Him. I could have never ever made it through without Him. I could never be at the place I am in my life without Him.  HE is the one who has "cured" me. I desperately pray and hope that you all find the same relief. He is the only one that we can find TRUE happiness, peace, hope, love, grace, justice, and power in. LOOK NO FURTHER!

The Lord has really showed me how much I need to live my life to the fullest through all the disasters in Japan. Those people had NO warning that their was going to be an earthquake that would literally shift the world. Think about if you were in their shoes. If you died  tonight in a massive earthquake and a tsunami that carried you out into the middle of the ocean......where would you go? Will you simply cease to exist or is their something far greater and far worse out their that you are missing? Please think about it and ask yourself "what is going to happen to me"? 

I want to live my life like this. This is how Jesus lived His life on earth. He treated everyday as if it were His last day. He gave everything of Himself with the time that He had here on earth. Ultimately He gave up His very own life in order to give us life. If today was your last day...would you except Him into your life?

  

The marathon of life.

So these past two weeks I feel like I have run a marathon of life. I have felt so many things, conquered so many battles, and discovered so many truths. I have a TON to say.

First on the agenda is to tell you that.....................drum roll please............................. I HAVE MY PERIOD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! It started on Sunday. HALLELUJAH! I ran downstairs with the biggest smile plastered on my face and told my mom and anna. We were all jumping up and down hugging....it was awesome. Then Sarah joined in! I have never celebrated over a period before. :P

After this....I cried. Tears of joy. Pure joy. I felt the happiest I have felt in years. Thank God. I am not broken! I am a working female! ahahha!

Monday and Tuesday were awesome. I could not stop smiling. I was on cloud nine! Then after counseling on Tuesday afternoon (yesterday) I started to struggle. We kind of re-hashed some things and it really upset me. It was good though. But since then I have been struggling. I hate this yo-yoing. How can I go from being the happiest and most confidant that I have been in YEARS to feeling ugly, sad, and awful the next day. I don't get it. But I am not going to let it overtake me. I will feel that joy again! I know I will

Something incredible happened today. So I was at school and I was walking to my car. I go to a school that is not in the best part of town. There was a young girl sitting on her pink backpack who, while I was walking by, asked me what time it was. I told her 3:15. She proceeded to tell me that her dad was picking her up. I asked her if she wouldn't mind if I sat with her while she waited for her dad (for safety reasons). She said yes. So we proceeded to talk.


She basically told me her life story. Over a 15 minute conversation I learned all of the following things from her:
She was 13 years old.
She had a friend at school that told her that she didn't eat healthfully enough when she ate a sandwich, a soda pop, and a fruit roll up for lunch.
This friend also would tell her how many calories her food had and that she shouldn't be eating that food because it would make her fat.
Her brother was taken away by the state because of her physically abusive stepfather at the age of 3.
Her mom died when she was 3.
She lives with her birth dad, grandpa, and grandma.
Her grandpa is abusive.
She used to starve herself and skip all meals except for lunch at school.
Her boyfriend broke- up with her to be with a girl who "wears mini-skirts, is thin, and has blonde hair."
She said that she never was able to have a childhood and that she had to grow up and take care of herself.
She lost her best friend for life this year.

She told me ALL of these things in 15 minutes. She even cried while she was talking about her grandpa. It was terrible. Awful. I wanted to cry, hug her, scream at all the people who have hurt her, and take her home to live with me. I tried to tell her about Jesus. I asked her, "Do you know who Jesus is?" she said that her grandpa was a catholic and the rest of her family is lutheran. So I asked her, "Do you believe in Jesus?" She never answered. I proceeded to tell her that I am anorexic and that Jesus is THE ONE who is carrying me through. I told her to pray and go to him whenever she felt alone or sad. She ran off when her dad came to pick her up and didn't even say bye. It was the shortest most eye opening conversation of my life. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't even know her name. I KNOW GOD SENT her into my life. I KNOW IT. I don't know what to do with it though. 

I want to do something. I want to make a difference. I want to talk to girls who are struggling. I have this disorder for a reason. What am I going to do with it? Hold onto it until I wither away...or push it away and help others. I choose the latter. Please pray for this girl.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This is something that I wrote to all of my facebook friends. It was hard to do. I like to just keep my mouth shut and not talk about hard things. But I did it. And if it helps just one person....it was totally worth it.
I have had this topic on my heart especially this week because it is National Eating Disorders Week. I wanted to write to you all (yes I tagged practically all of my friends) about something that is very important and personal to me. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to read this (sorry for the length). I am not going to post any grotesque pictures for you to see. However, if you have an eating disorder, know someone who has one, or have never met someone who has an eating disorder, I hope that this helps you to realize the significance and detrimental consequences of this disease that is skyrocketing in our society today.

Did you know that out of all the mental illnesses, eating disorders are the number one killer? Currently, there are 11 million people in the United States suffer from anorexia nervosa and bulimia. Millions more suffer from binge eating disorder. Eating disorders are mental illnesses just like depression, schizophrenia, or Alzheimer’s. The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders found 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years due to suicide or heart failure and only 30-40% will ever fully recover. Those with anorexia nervosa are 12 times as likely to die between the ages of 15 and 24 than ANY OTHER causes of death for females. Not many people know these facts.

It is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. However, not many people talk about eating disorders because they are:

1. A sensitive topic
2. Viewed as “selfish” and “vain”
3. Misunderstood.

This is seen by the fact that funding for schizophrenia is over 210 times as much as the funding for the research of eating disorders. Yet, the mortality rate for those with eating disorders shoots way above the mortality rate of those with schizophrenia.

<span>What are the eating disorders? </span>

Eating disorders are different for everyone. Some may struggle with one thing and some may struggle with another. There is no real model for eating disorders. These are just the most common.

Anorexia:

Those who have anorexia nervosa restrict their intake of food and over exercise. Those who have anorexia nervosa don’t eat enough food to fuel their bodies resulting in them losing weight dramatically. These patients are many times hospitalized once they reach down to 90-100 pounds. However, there are many who fall to 80, even 70 pounds. These patients have to be tube fed and restricted to bed rest for several months. These are the side effects that anorexics experience:

Fatigue and loss of energy

Hypertension (low blood pressure)

Dizziness due to low blood pressure

Fine hair growth on body (lanugo hair)

Hair loss

Pins and needles (parathesia due to changes in the peripheral changes in the nervous system)

Brittle nails and fragile bones due to low calcium

Increased vulnerability to osteoporosis

Anaemia and pale skin due to low iron levels

Easy bruising

Cramps

Ulcers

Susceptibility to cold due to loss of insulation

Edema (tissue swelling from water) due to electrolyte imbalances

Cessation of menstruation

Strain on most of the bodies organs

Thyroid dysfunction

Irregularity in the secretion of growth hormone

Potential kidney failure

Urinary tract infections

Chronic indigestion

Potential liver failure

Osteoporosis

Bulimia:

Bulimia patients induce weight loss by vomiting the food they have eaten. Many will binge and then purge the food that they eat. There is also exercise bulimia which is rapidly increasing. Those with exercise bulimia may eat a normal amount of food but then proceed to exercise for a very long amount of time. And when I mean a long amount of time, I mean they exercise most of the day. The symptoms for bulimia include:

Low potassium (loss of electrolytes)

Kidney damage

Heart irregularities and possible cardiac arrest

Increased cavities in teeth due to loss of tooth enamel

Hoarseness of voice

Dehydration

Swollen glands

Erosion of the enamel of back teeth (from vomiting)

Broken blood vessels in the face

Constant sore throat

Erosion of the esophagus

Hiatal hernis

Binging:

Those who have binge eating disorder eat large amounts of food in order to cope with emotional distress. Symptoms include:

Obesity

Type 2 diabetes

Gallbladder disease

High cholesterol

High blood pressure

Heart disease 

Certain types of cancer

Osteoarthritis

Joint and muscle pain

Gastrointestinal problems

Sleep apnea

<span>Mental Symptoms:</span>

Among all of these symptoms, most of those with eating disorders will tell you the worst part is the mental pain they experience. Eating disordered individuals in most cases are:

Suicidal

Extremely Depressed

Enormously self conscious to the point that they literally hate themselves and think that everyone else hates them too.

In a constant state of thinking about food, exercise, and dieting.

Obsessed with weighing themselves (many weigh themselves at any chance they can get).

Unable to eat food made by someone else or eat food in front of someone else.

The scary part about eating disorders is that when an individual is so low in their weight, a chemical called edema kicks in and causes them to become swollen and puffy. For a person with an eating disorder, this causes them to see themselves as larger than they are.

<span>What are the causes of eating disorders?</span>

There is not one specific cause of eating disorders. The key factor is that eating disorders areMENTAL ILNESSES. They are caused by depression, abuse, loneliness, family issues, friend issues, bullying, and so much more. They are even learning that their may be a certain brain make up that may make someone more likely to have an eating disorder. Those with eating disorders are trying to find SOME WAY to be acceptable, loved, and worthy. The media is probably one of the largest factors. The media equates beauty with happiness. Those who are searching for happiness see being skinny as their only way to get out of a situation or to be loved.

The average female is 5’4” and 140 pounds. The average model is 5’11” and 117 pounds. Yet we admire and look at models as “thin, fit, happy, and beautiful”. This unhealthy media portrayal of women affects young girls and boys. Between the ages of 11 and 13, fifty percent of girls think they are overweight. Eighty percent of 13 year old children have tried to lose weight.

Something needs to be done.

What can you do?

Learn more about it. The information I got was from an organization called NEDA. Here is their website which is full of information, help, and encouragement:http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/. Please watch this video if you have a moment:http://vimeo.com/2567743. 

Talk about it. Warn your friends and family about eating disorders and help others to see the dangers of starving and purging your way to thinness and eating in order to cope with life’s challenges. This is a great program that NEDA started: http://operationbeautiful.com/

Watch what you say. Do you find yourself talking about food in a negative manner? Do you talk about how others are “lazy, unhealthy, large (or even fat)” in front of others? Keep these thoughts to yourself. Who is it helping by breaking down yourself by telling others how you “shouldn’t have eaten this, or should have worked out harder, etc.”? Food is not bad. It is food. Nourishment for our bodies. Please don’t talk about food as though it is harmful. This is not only to help those who have eating disorders. Obesity is a growing concern in our world. However, even talking negatively about food and exercise is hurting the obese and making them feel inadequate and never able to achieve health.

Tell someone. If you know someone who has symptoms or who you suspect might have an eating disorder, tell someone. First, try talking to the person. Most likely, they will not see their problem and not believe you. So go and talk to their parents or go and get a group of friends to talk to them.

This topic is something that is extremely personal to me. I am on a journey to find a life where food is seen as nourishment and exercise is not something that I have to do every day in order to be healthy. It is my goal to help the world realize that being beautiful and thin is not what brings happiness. There is a Higher Power at work that will wipe away all the pain, sorrows, and tears that hurt brings.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love exercise and eating healthfully. Therefore, I am not saying that we should all start eating Twinkies and fried chicken. Health can be achieved by eating a balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, grains, protein, and “healthy” fats. Exercise in the form of running for 30 minutes a day, strengthening your muscles by lifting weights, riding your bike, or playing a sport can help people mentally and physically. Everything just needs to be in moderation. The world needs to find that happy balance.

NEDA’s mission statement is: “NEDA envisions a world without eating disorders.”

Let’s do our best to make this vision a reality.

New Year's Resolutions....a month late! :P Part One.

Good Morning Bloggy World!

I hope everyone is doing just grand today! I certainly am. Last night I did not feel this way. In fact I kind of came to a breaking point.

This is how I felt.

I seriously was at one of the closest moments I have been to wanting to give up. I looked in the mirror and saw what I thought was a fat pig who was hideous inside and out. Yesterday I didn't eat much. And I did it consciously. Part of it was that I have a cold so my appetite was not huge but I also restricted. I was home alone and while I was doing some body checking and pinching and squeezing of my "fat" (aka.....skin and necessary fat to live) I told myself that I hated myself and was fat and ugly and that NOBODY liked me.I yelled that I wanted to die. I was saying it to God. I used to beg and plead to God that I would die. I haven't done this in a long time. I am sad that I would do something like that again. I ran through my head all of the rejections from friends and others and equated my appearance with the rejection. I told myself, "No wonder I have no friends. I am hideous and annoying and ugly and horrible." You see...since I have no CLOSE CLOSE BFFs right now....I think that I have NO friends....which is completely untrue. I have plenty of friends at school and ones from high school that I still am friends with. But since I don't see them often and I don't make an effort to be social I figure that no one likes me. Silly. And you know what made me feel the most ugly? My attitude. I feel SO guilty to God for hating myself so much. I still do. But this morning I awakened refreshed and invigorated to make a change.

One thing that is helping me is this book:

Source

Great book. You should go get it. It makes me feel normal and not alone. At the beginning of each chapter there is a quote. The one for the Chapter called , "Do it for You," says, 

"The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another's keeping." 

Read that several times to really let it sink in. Its very profound, true, and enlightening. I need to make myself happy for me and God. NO ONE ELSE. I will never ever ever ever please EVERYONE. NEVER. And that's okay! The only people I need to please is the Lord and myself. (aside from obeying parents and of course I am not going to go around hurting people to please myself.... you get the idea)

So this is my new and ultimate New Year's Resolution (a month late)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to STOP....STOP....STOP pleasing others. RIGHT NOW. This is it. NO MORE.

I also came up with a list of 

Goals For 2011:

1 Weight XXX (healthy weight) and maintain.

2 After weighing XXX pounds stop weighing myself.

3 Read Bible everyday BEFORE homework, exercising, and computer time.(I usually end up at the end of the day reading for about 1 minute before bed because I put it off all day.)

4 Pray at least 5x's a day.( I probably pray once or twice a day. I don't even give thanks for food anymore. Not good.) 

5 Find 5 positive things each day about myself and repeat them out loud (suggestion from book).

6 Don't body check.

7 Don't not wear something because it shows curves..

8 Take 2 rest days from exercise a week.

9 Do only 2 days of cardio a week.

10 Study for only 5 hours a day. Stop after five hours (I study WAY TOO MUCH!)

11 Every time I feel ugly, fat, etc.......pray. (This one is going to help a lot...I know it.) 

So these are my goals that are things that I need to change about myself. I have another list of more fun goals! I will post those next.(Please don't compare yourself to these goals. Everybody has different goals/standards. These are just mine.)

Now because I am pretty much a go with the flow kind of person PERFECTIONIST, I would normally follow these goal religiously and beat myself up if I don't do something for just one day. I am not going to do that. These are things I want to strive for. As long as I make some effort......I am accomplishing something. A quote from the book above helped me to realize this. Micheal Addison Read said, 

"Since every failure is a lesson, every challenge an opportunityy, and every joy a triumph, it's hard to go wrong."

No time no blog...eh?

Hello! Wow. It has been way to long since I have posted. I have been keeping busy with out of town guests, school, counseling, church, piano, family, rooting for the Packers (woohoo!), and eating new foods!

As far as recovery goes....it is going well. Almost too well for my taste. I have gained 3 pounds in 2 weeks. SCARY AS HECK! I have re-introduced full fat yogurt, full fat cheese, and butter into my diet. And man...it kind of packs on the pounds...in a good way. I am really proud of myself for gaining steadily.

The scariest thing right now is the way I look. In two weeks I feel like I am huge. I know it is unrealistic because 3 pounds is not a HUGE amount of weight. But others and myself have been noticing. My sister and mom have been really encouraging to me by saying that my butt is getting bigger and that I have bigger arms......but I can't see the positive. I was honestly hoping that even if I gained weight....I wouldn't change sizes/shape if I kept on working out and stuff. Irrational I know, but I almost believed that it would be true. Well its not. And I guess this is my next step in recovery. I have to learn to accept my body.

Right now I am eating a delicious salad consisting of arugala (LOVE), nappa cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, vidalia onions, cilantro, almonds, feta, ranch, and yellow mustard. Before that I had a bowl of stew and half a slice of bread. Oh yeah....I have started eating bread again...with butter on it! Hardest thing. But I am doing it.

Last Friday I ate at an Ethiopian restaurant. Ummm. Let me say that it was very ..... different. Not a huge fan. Here is a picture of the restaurant :

Classsssssssaaaayyyyy.

The food was about the strangest ever: 
Everyone in your group basically just tears off pieces of the bread stuff called injera (NASTY!) and scoop up the meat and veggies with it.

The meal was redeemed by going to get fro-yo!!!!!!! YUM! We got Pinkberry Fro-Yo! I got chocolate fro-yo with hazelnut butter (DIVINE), pumpkin granola, and half of a wafer cookie on the top. (gotta bring those calories up!

DEBBIE DOWNER: Ugh....I am now eating an orange that is far from tasty...so disappointing seeing as how the oranges lately have been INCREDIBLE! Seriously...go buy oranges right now!

I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU NOW!
Do you put yellow mustard on your salads? DO IT! Learned it from this lovely
lady:www.ktbwood.wordpress.com
Is it hard to hear other people say that you have gained weight (as a compliment)?
Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food?

"I wanna celebrate and live my life, Saying ay-oh!"

Ahhh...I love that song! I am listening it to it right now and that's kind of how I feel! Life is good. Really good. Suprisingly good. Wonderful really.

Its like I have been cured. Seriously. You don't even know what I ate yesterday! I feel like a champion! I started out with my regular oats and and egg......THEN.....I ate pizza and salad at this fun resteraunt called Pizza Republica! And then I ate fried....yes fried.....italian egg rolls, buffalo sliders, fondu, apple pie, and bread pudding at a fun little resteraunt downtown! Fun times! I'll give you a rundown now!

I started the day by working out, eating breakfast, and going to counseling. Counseling was really helpful and I feel really inspired after it. My counselor suggested that I start volunteering and hanging out with other Christian College groups since I am going to have more free time since I am only taking 4 classes this semester! I have been wanting to do this for a while but have been scared to. I don't know why. Its the same un-social ed thoughts I think. But when she suggested this to me, I felt like it was from the Lord. I have been really wanting to serve others in some way and get to know other Christian college kids around! I am going to look at some different options of volunteer places and stuff! I'll let you know where I get with that! (Let's hope I still feel this adventurous to go out and be around other people!)

My dad works right next to my counselor...like a mile away. So I thought that I would call him up and see if I could come and say hi real quick. I never do this. Never. I am not spontaneous whatsoever and I am actually kind of struggling with my relationship with my dad right now. So this was hard but when the idea popped in my head...I wasn't going to let myself say no. So I called him up. It turned out that he was at starbucks with a couple of business people. He asked if I wanted to come.....I hesitated .......but then just said yes. So I went.....and the business people were really nice and I got to hear about all this interesting stuff. I am a business major so it was fun to see real life business people in action! Afterwards......one of the ladies asked if we would like to go to lunch.....I wanted to say no so badly. 1. because I have a lot of homework that I should have been doing (and should be doing right now) 2. she wanted to go to a pizza place (AHHHHHHH.....CALORIES!!!!!!!!!) 3. I really don't like eating "junky" food in front of other people (call me crazy but if I am going to eat "unhealthy" food I have to do it alone.) However, I knew that this was my ed and depression kicking in so I again said noYES! (I'm on a role!)

My AMAZING salad!

They had a lunch special at this pizza place where you could get a 9" pizza and a salad or soup. I got the mixed green salad that had Balsamic Roasted Tomato, Pickled Pearl Onions, Shaved Parmesan Reggiano, and Balsamic Vinaigrette. OOOOOOHhhh yum!  The pickled onions and balsamic roasted tomatoes made it DELICOUS! Oh and everything that they use is either locally grown or imported from Italy! AWESOME! It tasted so fresh and delicous! I even saw some cans of stewed tomatoes in their kitchen (the kitchen is visable while you eat!) and the words on the can were all in Italian. Love it! For my 9" pizza I got the Pizza Giacomo which had a red sauce, Fresh Mozzarella, Goat Cheese, Wild Mushroom, Arugula, Fried Garlic, and EVOO! YUM! The fried garlic was increadible.....it was sliced SO thin and then fried to crispy perfection. When you bit into the pizza there was that unexpected crunch! Yum! It was pretty good pizza! It was neopolitan style (thin crust) which is my favorite. However it wasn't very bold flavor wise. I would have liked to have tasted more red  sauce and goat cheese. It was kind of bland....except for the fried garlic (LOVE!). I think I actually enjoyed the salad more! haha! 

I did love the fresh arugala on top! YUM!

And guess what?!?!?!?! GUESS FREAKING WHAT?!?!? I ate 3 slices. 3. yes. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. AHHHHH! And I ate my WHOLE salad. CRAZY! I am so proud of myself. I snapped....and ate it! I usually can't stomach 1 slice of pizza none the less 3 slices!!!! Wow! Sorry...I will stop tooting my own horn now! :D

And you know what....I was full but not THAT full....crazy I know. Most people would be like...."Dang girl....you ate 3 slices!??!?! What's wrong with you?!?!?" But hey...I was hungry and I wanted it. And I didn't freak out about it that much....sure I was kind of IN SHOCK at what I had just let myself do....but I honestly felt like I was taking that pizza and shoving it in the face of ED! HA! TAKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

After this I went home and worked on homework for about 2 hours. Then my sister called and asked if I wanted to go out with some friends to a place called the Union Bistro for drinks and appetizers. At first I said no. I had homework to do, I didn't want to eat more "unhealthy" food since I went crazy at lunch, and I didn't want to go socialize with people. Then I stopped myself. Was it really me who was saying no or was it my ed? Did I....ME....MYSELF......want to go? no way YES SIREEE I DID!!!!!!!!!! So I said yes. I'm going crazy! ahah! So I went...and I got a virgin strawberry dakury.......and yes I drank it all.....and yes I didn't scoop off the whipped cream! BAM! And then I nibbled on all kinds of yummy eats that I listed above! And when I got home....I was still hungry.........I wanted to just go upstairs and go to bed without filling up my tum tum. But I said no to that and said YES to some left over sweet potato fries, green beans, and cornbread from my parents dinner. Yes I ate cornbread too! With agave! And then I happily went to bed after eating and saying yes to everything I always say no to.

I feel alive. Happy. I feel like celebrating and living my life while saying "AY-OH!" ahahah! Cheezy much?!?!? But I am serious! I feel like a rockstar! I feel like me for the first time in forever. It is a WONDERFUL FEELING! I only hope that the rest of you have or get this feeling! I can only say that it is by the grace of God that I am doing this well. I don't know how I am doing it...but I am! I feel in control, confidant, powerful, beautiful ( yes...I feel beautiful!!!), etc. My sister said something so true last night. She said that life is meant to be lived. We spend SO much time just worrying about our life that we don't ever truely live it to the fullest. Is that how God wants us to live? He has given us food for pleasure and nourishment. He has given us exercise for pleasure and health. He has given us friends for pleasure and help. He has given us lives. Have you ever thought about that. He has breathed life into you. What are YOU going to do with it? Will you use your life to worry about food, image, beauty, loneliness, control, etc? Or will you use your life to have fun, please and honor God, and bless others? Even though it is hard....I am wanting and striving to do the latter. I encourage you to do the same!!!!!!!! Thank you for your prayers. They are working. And I hope you know that I pray for you as well!

Do something crazy today. Say yes. Shove ed into the trash can and eat for fun! Check out that body of yours and thank God that you have arms, legs, a stomach, a face, and a beating heart! We are so blessed.....we just can't see it. I encourage you to take the time to see those blessings and to enjoy them to the fullest!!!!!!!!