"20 Seconds of Insane Courage"

Good morning!

Well I woke up quite early this morning and instead of just sitting around doing nothing, I figured I might as well post something.

This week my sisters, Mom, and I went to see :

The first 30 minutes of the movie was filled with corny/cheeseball ness that was kind of painful. But after that it was sweet, inspiring, animal loving, heart warming, romantic greatness!
There was one theme in the movie that really struck a chord with me. Please watch the following video:

While the "20 seconds of insane courage" spoken about in this movie is more about catching the girl you want, I felt like I could apply it to eating disorder recovery when I read this post by Tessa @ amazingasset.com. During recovery, we are constantly trying to push ourselves to eat new things that we categorize as "fear foods" or "unhealthy". Its a battle. It seems as though it is impossible at times to just get the food down our gullets!

I would like to suggest to you that a major key to success might be held in this "20 seconds of insane courage". I don't know about you, but when I fail at succeeding to eat a fear food or just eat like a normal person, its usually because I thought about it WAY too much.

Those with eating disorders have a terrible disease of thinking too much. We overthink EVERYTHING. Sadly this is our reality:

We second guess every bite we take. We second guess that we counted our calories correctly so we re-calculate them for the 50th time that day. We second guess that the scale REALLY read our weight right so we re-way ourselves 15 times before we finally start to break down weeping because we gained 1 pound. We second guess that we will be okay if we really start to recover. We second guess that we will be loved if we start eating pizza again. We second guess that not living an eating disordered life is really "that much better". We think way too much and talk ourselves out of the key to our recovery. EATING!

That 20 seconds of courage is our golden opportunity to do the impossible. This is kind of how it feels at times: 

Yes, it may feel impossible to NOT workout today. It may feel like you won't be able to stop eating cookies if you start eating them again. It may feel like you will lose ALL control if you stop eating ONLY "safe food". And I will admit, you WILL LOSE CONTROL. You will. You CAN'T control every area of your life anymore. You have to let go. You have to stop putting all that pressure on yourself. You have to take life and use it. End this sheltered life where all you do is the same routines/rituals each day. Try new foods! Heck, LIVE ON THE WILD SIDE!

If you don't ACT within that "20 (or maybe for your its 10 or 50) seconds of insane courage" you end up disappointing yourself and not truly jumping on the recovery bandwagon. Its A LOT easier said then done, I know. But I encourage you that IT GETS EASIER. It does. Yes, you may hate yourself after you eat that piece of pie. But with each try, it gets better. You realize that "Yes, pie is worth it". You realize that you deserve to live a life of enjoyment. You realize that gaining 10, 20, 30, yes even 40 pounds  is HEALTHY and will make you HAPPY! 

We have to stop living like this:

Take that inspiration/courage/bravery and ACT ON IT! Don't wait till tomorrow to start truly recovering. Act out of that "20 seconds of insane courage". Do something crazy and DO IT OFTEN! Live your life with arms WIDE OPEN! 

I kind of really want that dress! Random, sorry.

Just do it. Like now. I mean it. Go to the kitchen. Find 1 thing that you are afraid to eat (find more than one thing if you can) and EAT IT. I'm not kidding. This is it. This is your time. Get off your computer, stop reading this crazy girl's blog, and start recovering. Remember:

Life changes A LOT when your havin' fun!

Hello! The last time I wrote a post was on April 28th 2011. As I read back at that old post, I can't believe that it was less than a year ago. So much of my life has changed (i.e. improved/digressed). Everyone should read posts of theirs from a year ago. Highly therapeutic to see the changes that have been made since that time.

Things that have changed:
I... am now a senior in college (WHAT THE WHA???? Crazy how time flies by).
I.... am officially an unofficial aunt (friend that is basically a sister had a baby boy...i.e. cutest child to ever live).
I... received 3rd place in my first triathlon (I'm an addict now)!

Some dude I had to hug while getting my ribbon.

I...transferred from community college to big kid school (a 4 year school).
I...finished the Bible Study I was in and began to "Break Free".
Tim Tebow moved to my state so that he could be the Broncos QB and get married to me.

"Thank you for choosing me to play for the Broncos! Now I will get to meet and marry Deborah Rose!"- Tim Tebow (actual quote... or not.)

I... regained a friendship from childhood that I never thought would be rekindled.
I... went backpacking for the first time in my life and didn't get eaten by bears!

Probably one of the coolest things I've done.

I... really started to live my life with the goal of serving/honoring the Lord Jesus Christ.
I... started a new job that I LOVE with great people (including my big sis).
I... passed my Calculus class. PRAISE GOD!
I... bought these cowboy boots (a MAJOR life event :P):
I... started spending money on myself and giving more to charities/my church (God gave me my money.....its time to USE IT rather than lock it up like a money hog).
I... finally started skipping days working out. If I don't feel like working out....I skip it. So much happier.
I... stopped weighing myself. I have NO CLUE what I weigh. Really. Like no clue. And I don't care. Ha.
I...met/had dinner with/ talked for an hour with/ got a signed shirt/ listened to a concert with/by my favorite singer : Priscilla Ahn!

She was SO sweet....we are all practically BFF's with her now.

I... stopped going to my counselor. Don't know if this is a good thing or not yet.
I... have a lot more friends now. Church, work, school, etc. have all given me great friends and now I finally enjoy going out! Even people who I met through The Thorn (previous post) are some of my closest friends. Yay for new friends!
I... went on a week long trip to Oregon.

On the Oregon Coast. Twas gorgeous!

I...have conquered pretty much every fear food I have. I now drink milk every day. Eat oatmeal only a few times a week for breakfast. Eat bread/bagel/some grain every day. I eat eggs again without feeling guilty. Have cut back on stuffing my face with salads. Have cookies/cake/pie/ice cream whenever I get the chance.You get the idea.
I... hiked and then drove to the top of Pikes Peak for the first time.

I'm on top of the WORLD!!!

I... had my first manicure ever. WHY have I not done this before??!?!?! Heaven on earth.
I... have a tummy roll, love handles, cellulite, and skin under my chin. I'm learning to deal with it.
I... ran my first Dirty Girl Mud Run with wonderful sisters and friends.

We called ourselves the "Dirty Denver Divas" I.E. the "Triple D's"!

I... had a wonderful Christmas with LOTS of delicious food. Yeah I probably gained weight. Who cares.

Yeah. I don't kid around with little portions. That's a thing of the past. LOAD ME UP!

Well I could go on tooting my own horn and showing off all of the fun things I have done, but I'm bored so you probably are too. All the things that I have been able to conquer really have not been through my own strength. I have a lot of support. Most of it from my Savior. I have truly learned that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13)

One more thing: On that plate of food is something that I made for the Christmas party I was at in that picture. It turned out great! I made some modifications that I think enhanced it:

Bacon and Brussels Sprout Hash

Recipe courtesy Tyler Florence, 2008

Prep Time:

20 min

Inactive Prep Time:

--

Cook Time:

25 min

Level:

Easy

Serves:

4 to 6 servings

Ingredients

• Extra-virgin olive oil
• 4 slices thick-cut bacon
• 4 sprigs fresh thyme
• 2 pints Brussels sprouts, cut in 1/2 (I kept them whole)
• 1 pound fingerling potatoes, split down the middle (I used large potatoes that I just cut into cubes)
• 1/2 pound red pearl onions, peeled (I just sliced 1 red onion)
• Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1/2 cup low-sodium chicken broth (I omitted this)
• 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• 1/4 bunch flat-leaf parsley, leaves roughly chopped (I don't like parsley so I omitted this)
• Additions:
• 2 TBS. minced garlic
• 1 tsp. ground sage
• 1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes
• 1 tsp. chopped rosemary
• 
  
• Directions

Set a large saute pan over medium heat and add a 2 count of olive oil. Cut bacon into long strips and add to pan together with thyme. Cook for 5 to 7 minutes to render the fat then strain and set aside. Add Brussels sprouts

My Directions
Set a large saute pan over medium heat. Slice bacon into long strips and toss in pan until nice and crispy. Remove bacon and leave bacon drippings in pan. Fry up your chopped onions until they are translucent. Meanwhile, roast your sliced potatoes and whole Brussels sprouts in oven at 425 degrees until they are nice and crispy (toss them around ever 10 minutes). Add them into the onions with all of the seasonings and balsamic vinegar (no chicken stock). Fry up for about 5 minutes on medium heat. Serve in warm dish and sprinkle bacon on top as a garnish. Devour.


Well reading this post probably took up half of your day so I will stop! Thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of your day!

Long time no see

Hello! I apologize for being MIA for the past few weeks. Thankfully, it is not because things have been bad.....they have been MUY BUENO!!!!!!!!!!!! (that is ALL I remember from taking Spanish for 2 years....oh dear) Thank you to all for your sweet comments and encouragement on my last post! I pray and hope that you all have found relief like I have.


How have things been great?!? Well....for starters...the last thing I go to bed thinking about and the first thing I think of when I wake up HAVE NOT BEEN ABOUT HATING MYSELF!!!! YAY! This has spilled over into the rest of my day too. I am finally going sometimes a few hours without thinking about food, how fat I am, etc. IT IS AMAZING. Absolutely life changing. I am not writing in a food journal anymore which even though it was SO helpful at the start....had turned into a restriction tool.


I AM INTUITIVELY EATING! Or at least trying to. It is really hard to KNOW what your body is wanting. Am I full? Am I hungry? But it is getting easier......at first I dropped some major poundage......I was eating too healthy....I was full all the time but I was full from eating large salads. So I hiked up my calorie intake again and I feel much better. Lately I have been craving chocolate. I have NEVER been a huge chocolate fan. But lately I am going CRAZY for chocolate! Not a bad thing since my dad gives me chocolate bars weekly! haha! :D And guess what?!?! I am letting myself eat them! YAY!


I have been so stressed out about life though......I am not doing as well in school as I would hope to be doing. I had a piano recital last week which I was cramming for. I can't find a job! :( I am also.....drum roll please..........IN THIS PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://vimeo.com/8868461

I am SUPER excited....I don't have any big roles (i started too late to audition). But I am a crowd person, slave, and mob person. Being the slave is the most fun! They have REAL WHIPS that they use! This play is AUTHENTIC! And best of all....it is changing my life. Never has the love of Christ been so real to me. I cry after every practice out of sheer joy and adoration for our loving Saviour. If it is in your city....please go. Not only is the story the best....but their is pyrotechnics, dancing, acrobatics, etc!!! It is like a Cirque de Sole show!!!!!!!!!! I am loving it! However....it is kind of stressing me out because we have practice a lot....but if it cuts into my studying time...it is totally worth it. This is for something WAY greater than perfect grades! 

Write now, the Lord is just teaching me to rely on Him and ask Him for help. I am also starting to be a part of a Bible study with my sisters and friends. I LOVE IT! 

This is the workbook for the study.

God is working SO much in my life right now. It is incredible. He is answering all my prayers and strengthening me for the future. I hope and pray that you all find the same strength, hope, freedom, happiness, joy, appreciation for life, and respect for your bodies that I have found. 

Love this quote: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." -Dolly Parton. I would have to agree with Miss Parton!

I'M HEALED! :D

First of all..........................thank you all so very much for your amazingly kind, encouraging, and wonderful comments on my last post and all of my posts. I appreciate you all so much and am so thankful to have support out there.

So I am healed. Cured. Fixed. Eating working at full capacity. Yeah. You heard me. 

After that whole twinkie episode.......I was cured. I will forever be a twinkie lover (okay I actually am not the biggest fan of twinkies but since I ate that twinkie.....I have been a new girl!) I have been eating pure JUNK and I don't give a crap. Not one bit. In the last day I have (with some help) eaten an entire chocolate bar. I don't really know how it happened. It just did. And I don't care! No....I am not binging and all that....I am just desperately trying to gain weight so I can stop living in this ED world.

I AM SO STINKIN' SICK OF IT....ALL OF IT! I never want to weigh myself EVER again.....I never want to count calories EVER again......I never want to pinch my stomach EVER again.....I never want to exercise for 3 hours straight EVER again. I am done. That's it. Enough. I am through. It was a terrible ride....and I am finally able to get off. I will never ever catch a ride on the ED train again. 

So you may be asking why all of a sudden I am "cured". I can give you only ONE REASON. His name is Jesus. He has saved my life. I give ALL the credit to Him. I could have never ever made it through without Him. I could never be at the place I am in my life without Him.  HE is the one who has "cured" me. I desperately pray and hope that you all find the same relief. He is the only one that we can find TRUE happiness, peace, hope, love, grace, justice, and power in. LOOK NO FURTHER!

The Lord has really showed me how much I need to live my life to the fullest through all the disasters in Japan. Those people had NO warning that their was going to be an earthquake that would literally shift the world. Think about if you were in their shoes. If you died  tonight in a massive earthquake and a tsunami that carried you out into the middle of the ocean......where would you go? Will you simply cease to exist or is their something far greater and far worse out their that you are missing? Please think about it and ask yourself "what is going to happen to me"? 

I want to live my life like this. This is how Jesus lived His life on earth. He treated everyday as if it were His last day. He gave everything of Himself with the time that He had here on earth. Ultimately He gave up His very own life in order to give us life. If today was your last day...would you except Him into your life?