"20 Seconds of Insane Courage"

Good morning!

Well I woke up quite early this morning and instead of just sitting around doing nothing, I figured I might as well post something.

This week my sisters, Mom, and I went to see :

The first 30 minutes of the movie was filled with corny/cheeseball ness that was kind of painful. But after that it was sweet, inspiring, animal loving, heart warming, romantic greatness!
There was one theme in the movie that really struck a chord with me. Please watch the following video:

While the "20 seconds of insane courage" spoken about in this movie is more about catching the girl you want, I felt like I could apply it to eating disorder recovery when I read this post by Tessa @ amazingasset.com. During recovery, we are constantly trying to push ourselves to eat new things that we categorize as "fear foods" or "unhealthy". Its a battle. It seems as though it is impossible at times to just get the food down our gullets!

I would like to suggest to you that a major key to success might be held in this "20 seconds of insane courage". I don't know about you, but when I fail at succeeding to eat a fear food or just eat like a normal person, its usually because I thought about it WAY too much.

Those with eating disorders have a terrible disease of thinking too much. We overthink EVERYTHING. Sadly this is our reality:

We second guess every bite we take. We second guess that we counted our calories correctly so we re-calculate them for the 50th time that day. We second guess that the scale REALLY read our weight right so we re-way ourselves 15 times before we finally start to break down weeping because we gained 1 pound. We second guess that we will be okay if we really start to recover. We second guess that we will be loved if we start eating pizza again. We second guess that not living an eating disordered life is really "that much better". We think way too much and talk ourselves out of the key to our recovery. EATING!

That 20 seconds of courage is our golden opportunity to do the impossible. This is kind of how it feels at times: 

Yes, it may feel impossible to NOT workout today. It may feel like you won't be able to stop eating cookies if you start eating them again. It may feel like you will lose ALL control if you stop eating ONLY "safe food". And I will admit, you WILL LOSE CONTROL. You will. You CAN'T control every area of your life anymore. You have to let go. You have to stop putting all that pressure on yourself. You have to take life and use it. End this sheltered life where all you do is the same routines/rituals each day. Try new foods! Heck, LIVE ON THE WILD SIDE!

If you don't ACT within that "20 (or maybe for your its 10 or 50) seconds of insane courage" you end up disappointing yourself and not truly jumping on the recovery bandwagon. Its A LOT easier said then done, I know. But I encourage you that IT GETS EASIER. It does. Yes, you may hate yourself after you eat that piece of pie. But with each try, it gets better. You realize that "Yes, pie is worth it". You realize that you deserve to live a life of enjoyment. You realize that gaining 10, 20, 30, yes even 40 pounds  is HEALTHY and will make you HAPPY! 

We have to stop living like this:

Take that inspiration/courage/bravery and ACT ON IT! Don't wait till tomorrow to start truly recovering. Act out of that "20 seconds of insane courage". Do something crazy and DO IT OFTEN! Live your life with arms WIDE OPEN! 

I kind of really want that dress! Random, sorry.

Just do it. Like now. I mean it. Go to the kitchen. Find 1 thing that you are afraid to eat (find more than one thing if you can) and EAT IT. I'm not kidding. This is it. This is your time. Get off your computer, stop reading this crazy girl's blog, and start recovering. Remember:

Click.Delete.Click.Delete.

Hello! I just finished going through my bookmarks of blogs that I follow. And I did something that I have been resisting doing for a while. I went through and deleted several of them from my bookmarks. Why you ask......well.........several of them are really triggering for me. I have followed lots of health/running/exercise blogs and I think that lots of the people that I read have some problems with eating and and over exercising and don't realize it. When I read these blogs...I feel like I am being silly and that I don't really have an eating or over exercising problem and this is how everyone is. I look at the food they consume and the amount of calories they burn and automatically start comparing myself to them. This is MY ISSUE. Not their's. They can post and do whatever they want. But I need to step back and help myself. I basically just clicked through each one and if their entire home page did not trigger me at all I did not push delete. If I felt the twinge bit of ED telling me that I was a failure and needed to be more like these people...I clicked delete. I am going to miss those blogs. Maybe someday I can return to them! :D I would suggest doing this....it is really going to help I think! :D


Today I had an amazing time reading my Bible this morning. Like I didn't want to stop reading. I love it when I am so engrossed in God's Word. However, I stopped reading to do something. WORK OUT. Ugh. I am so ashamed of this. I stopped reading my Bible.....to work out some more. :( I have to stop doing this. I am such a slave. I really felt though that I was being good to myself because I was SUPER sore after yesterday. So I decided I was JUST going to do yoga. I ended up doing yoga, lifting weights, working my abs and legs, and riding the stationary bike. Its like I get sucked in and can't stop. Poo. And guess what? I did this all after I got inspired after reading in Ephesians about pretty much this thing. 


Okay so, it is obvious that I am not practicing what I am preaching. So the following is more like me trying to pound these facts into my head. Go read Ephesians chapter 5 verses 1-20. They are pretty convicting for someone who is struggling with ED. Verse six is something I need to practice in my life. Not letting man deceive me with vain words. I use other people's judgments about weight and such and apply them to my life. I need to listen to God and what He wants for my body and life. Vs. 10 is awesome too. It basically talks about proving to yourself and those around you what is acceptable to our Father in heaven. Is working out for hours and depriving ourselves of the food God has provided acceptable to Him? NO its not D.E.B.O.R.A.H. (sorry for talking to myself) I just have to get this out! Anyways....I want to post more about this later....oh and I also want to post more about my last post....oh dear. This is confusing! :P I have so much to say!

Scared to eat.

So yesterday afternoon I went to see Mary Ellen (counselor). And I was as honest as honest could be. I weighed myself on Tuesday and I have lost weight. Lovely. I REALLY thought that I had gained weight over the last week and a half. I was really disappointed in myself. I did not want to tell Mary Ellen. I KNOW that I have to gain this weight back. But I don't want someone to tell me that and to be monitoring what I am eating! But she was asking all about my anorexia and stuff and I just kind closed my eyes and told her. She was so sweet and thanked me for my honesty.

Sooo after she heard that I have been loosing weight and that I am frustrated with myself she started asking what I was eating. I told her and she thought that I was on a pretty good track but definitely need to amp up the protein and fat. I LOVE protein...can't stand fat. Gross. Even the thought of what fat really is makes me gag. Butter (I literally  just got goosbumps from thinking about it....gross!), milk, non fat free dairy products...yeah all of it has to start entering my diet. She is also going to have me start to keep a food journal. This makes me really nervous. Immediately I start worrying about what I have been eating and if I am unhealthy and all of that. Yesterday I was hungry and didn't let myself eat because I didn't want to write it down in the food journal because I don't want Mary Ellen to think I eat too much. Rational? NO WAY. Why do I think like this?

In the end though I was honest again....uhhh...being honest is painful sometimes...and told her that I know the major reason why I am not gaining weight. E.X.E.R.C.I.S.E. Yeah. I addicted. I am a cardio junkie. I do more cardio than i would really like to fess up to. No I am not a marathoner that runs 18 miles three times a week. But I do do way too much....especially since I am a person who is trying to gain weight and get back my period. I can't stop though. Ahhhh....I love it so much...and I HAVE to do it. At least that is how I feel. I am going to have to give it up sometime though. Not completely of course...no no no way ....don't scare me like that!!!!! :P But I am going to have to start to back off a little. I put way to much priority and time into running my butt off. Its kind of like my idol. Sounds crazy I know but it really is getting in the way of my relationship with God. Before I sit down to read my Bible I have to work out. Before I take time to pray I have to work out. You wanna know why? Because I know that the Lord is not pleased with me concerning this. And I am too guilty to face Him about it.

Anyways, I am going to not let writing my food down stop me from eating when i am hungry and I am going to stop doing SO much cardio. More strength training. I want muscles anyways. Bring on the protien and the wieghts! :D Have an awesome day all!

Ooooh oooh P.S. I ate OIAJ yesterday for the first time! YUM! too much fun! not enough peanut butter left in the jar though...my other peanut butter obsessed sister scraped it pretty clean already! Still yummy though!