Extra! Extra! Pictures all about it! heehee :D

Good morning! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppy Saturday! Yay! And happy spring break for those of you who are on it! My lovely professors are so sweet and put all the big midterms AFTER spring break! So guess what I will be doing??!?! Haha! No really....I don't mind! It is kind of really nice to have the extra time to study during spring break! I have a couple fun things planned so no worries!


I am feeling so much better than I did all of this week. Very glad. I was getting so worried that I went 5 steps backwards when I was making so much progress. However, I am feeling like I am recovering those steps. I have to remember that I am not going to be healed or cured over night. This takes time. Gotta remember that.


I am filling this post with pictures! YAY! Lets start with the most important pictures.......OATMEAL!

OIAJ! My favorite Peanut Butter from Costco. Ingredient List: Peanuts, Salt. Aka. Yum, Yum. Eaten lying on bed...does it get any better than this?

The fro-yo I had forever ago and never showed! LOVE!

A monster salad eaten in the car at school!

A delicious quinoa/rice salad I made!

It was called Salsa Salad and it was amazing! I will have to post the recipe!

Toasting coconut for carrot cake!

Carrot Cake batter spreading! Didn't turn out how I like it...it was really dry. BUMMER. :(

Creme Cheese frosting for carrot cake! Forgot to take final picture! :(

AMAZING WONDERFUL FRESH TACO'S! Yum! I got a shrimp taco and their signature taco!

Curried egg salad wrap...looks nasto....but oh so tasto! (cheesy) In the mix: hard boiled eggs, vegenase, relish, trader joes curry sauce, horseradish (why not?), and a toasted ww tortilla!

It has been so beautiful outside. Loving the weather...however yesterday was super cold and their were snow flurries....I hope today is nice! I want to go on a hike or walk or something. I am dying to go camping and hiking in the mountains. I almost just want to go even if I freeze my tooshy off! 

My sister and law is letting me borrow this! Can't wait to try it! I love work out videos!

We are going to see the Adjustment Bureau today! My favorite actress and my favorite actor in one movie that is packed with romance and action!?!?!?! LOVE! Super excited!

This is what I want to strive towards in my life: "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." -Colossians 3:12-14

Happy Saturdaying!


Questions for you:
Do you like fish tacos?
Would you see the Adjustment Bureau?
Do you like work out videos? Any good ones you know of?

Fennel Orange Cranberry Sauce.....and musings on life.

Hello bloggies! Hope you all had a wonderful National Almonds Day! I had a kinda crappy one to be honest. I ate my oatmeal that morning that consisted of almonds, 1/2 banana, peanut butter, agave, oats of course, and butter. Whew. the butter about gave me a heart attack. I am terrified of butter. Probably one of my favorite biggest fear foods. My counselor/nutritionist told me that I am still not eating enough fats. She said either eat 4 tablespoons of peanut butter or put in a tsp. of butter. So I put the butter. It took me about 1/2 of an hour to eat it. So hard. But I got through it. Lunch was misery. I was feeling SO guilty about the butter in my oatmeal that eating lunch was like pulling teeth. I was on the brink of tears when a classmate came up and sat next to me. Can't start cryin' to a 50 year old woman from your statistics class about having to eat a salad, garlic bread, and spaghetti.

Anyways...it was a hard day. But the next day was better. Today I put on some old pants that for the last 6 months have been HUGE on me. Now they fit just right. I know I should be happy and rejoicing but I just don't feel like it. Gaining weight is hard people. Harder than most people think. I feel like being a couch potato and eating as much as I can is my job. I can't wait till I am at a healthy weight again and just stay their. It will come soon. I just wish it would come sooner. Enough of Debbie Downer.....lets move on to that recipe I promised a while ago:


Fennel Orange Cranberry Sauce by David Lieberman -6 to 8 servings
8 oz of frozen or fresh cranberries (whole)
1/2 naval orange, zested
1 whole naval orange, juiced
1/4 cup of agave nectar or 1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 teaspoon fennel seeds

Source

Directions: combine ingredients in saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat to low and cook, stirring frequently, until cranberries begin to break down and water evaporates, about 8-10 minutes. Remove from heat and allow to cool.

I am telling you. EVERY person who has eaten this has hated it said it is the best cranberry sauce ever! It is so simple too! Put it on turkey, chicken, in rice, on your oatmeal, on a sandwich, on anything and it will make it delicious! You have to try it!

I read a really helpful short article from a magazine we get. It is called "Coming out and going in!" and it is taken from UCB's Word for Today. It goes like this:

"Before God's people could get out of Egypt, Pharaoh made them three different offers. To each Moses said, "no". If he had not they'd never have got out! First, Pharaoh said, "go, only leave your children here." Next, he said, "go only leave your business here." Finally, he said, "go, only don't go too far". Listen to what Moses told him, "there shall not an hoof be left behind", Exodus 10.26. That's what you've got to do too- look the enemy in the eye and say, "No! I'm taking my family, I'm taking my business, and I'm going all the way with God!" That's what it takes to get out of Egypt!

But then there is the question of getting into the Promised Land? That happens only...one city at a time... one habit at a time.... one attitude at a time and one step of faith at a time. 

Never speak words that make the enemy think he's still in control- he's not! The bible says you have the authority to drive him out - and He's got to go, Luke 10:17. If you allow him even an inch, he'll turn it into a stronghold, Ephesians 4:27.

Rise up in faith today and announce, "I'm coming out and I'm going in!"

A couple eats from the last couple weeks:

OIAJ! YUM!

                                              I don't like Jif PB but it was almost empty so I snatched it up and ate my oatmeal out of it!

Salad at school with garbanzo beans...one of my favorite toppings!

"Orange pinwheels" with cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and allspice with a side of almonds! YUM!

Hope that you all have a grand weekend!

A snowy walk!

Hello all! Today is a good day. Thank goodness for that! This morning I cried for a while and it really made me feel better. I haven't cried in several days (thats a record....hahah just kidding!) and so it felt good to just let it out. Last night we went to go see The Kings Speech (GO SEE IT!)! On the way there I just wanted to burst out sobbing. I was so upset. It was over silly things too.


So last night I was planning on eating some soup for dinner but then my mom told me that she had reheated some leftover spaghetti and meatballs. So I kind of felt like I needed to have that since she already had it ready. The thing is I really didn't want to eat that. And it made me realize something. I have to sike myself up for the food I am going to be eating. seriously. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I have to. I have to plan and know what I am going to be eating or else I get really upset. Like the other night when I had hot dogs (woo hoo I did it!) I had to sike myself up for it for a couple of hours. Once I knew that was what we were having for dinner I had to prepare myself mentally. Does anyone else have to do this? Anyways, I had to be flexible last night and it really bothered me. Then we left late for the movie which really bothered me too. In the car I just wanted to burst out sobbing....but I didn't want to spoil the night for the rest of the family so I just held it inside. Anyways, it felt good to just release this morning.


Yesterday and the day before I took Henry (my dog) for a walk! We were finally able to go since most of the snow ( i thought) had been shoveled of of peoples sidewalks. well....they weren't really shoveled so we had to trudge through but he loved it! 

Henry in the snow. Sorry its blurry!

I realized something on this walk too. Whenever I am out in nature I feel strong and beautiful. It seriously is the only time I feel this way. When I was on this walk I felt cute in my baggy jeans, big sweater, scarf, and huge sunglasses. No I didn't have a great outfit on. No I didn't do my hair well that day. No I didn't have new clothes on. But I still felt beautiful. There is something about looking at all of God's creation that just inspires me. I am reminded of the beauty of this world and the beauty that God has bestowed on me. I love being outside! I can't wait for summer when i can be outside without freezing my toushy off!

I want to go back to what I was talking in my post about Ephesians 5. In verse 11 it talks about not being associated with or spending our precious time with the "unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them." I think this is something that we should all do. I once thought that it was crazy to out loud tell a sin to go away or to stop. But I really believe it works. I know I sound CRAZY. But seriously. Saying it outloud kind of pushes it out and brings it out in the open. When I first started my recovery, outloud I said "Go away anorexia. Go away vanity." The minute after this I felt such relief. Its like a burden was lifted. I then prayed that the Lord would fill my heart with something else. Something better. Since that day I have been stronger and had less of a burden. I did this after I watched this inspiring and helpful video (I think her focus is a little off at the end when she talks about being skinny after anorexia and all that but it is still helpful): 

Anyways, I think this verse follows along with that. You don't have to yell out and cast out any sins or anything. But I do think that we need to recognize these sins and reprove (which means to  to scold or correct) them. We need to discontinue obsessing about our appearances, control, etc (the thing that is an unfruitful work of darkness). Then we need to point out those flaws in our life and correct and reprove them! I hope this is helpful to some. I am not trying to be all judgmental and stuff. This is just something that I have needed to work on with myself. I hope it is helpful! Have a wonderful Saturday!

I am such a boy...why? BECAUSE I LOVE INCEPTION!

So tonight we are going to watch inception with some friends! If you haven't seen it.....stop what you are doing....drive to that red/magic box and get it for 1 dollar. Totally worth it. In fact I might am going to buy it today. It is worth that much (I DON'T buy movies). When we rented it 2 weeks ago I watched it 2....make that 3 times in 2 days. Yeah. Sad, huh?

So I decided that I am going to add some more pages that have tips on recovery. My counselor gave me a ton of worksheets and stuff that I think would be helpful to everyone! 


As far as my post ....whatever it was.....3 days ago?....I wanted to talk more about the whole trials and tribulations thing. Well I have come to a conclusion. A big one....one that has honestly made me understand why I have struggled so much. Trials and tribulations make us into who we are. I honestly can't say that I would be as  wise, mature, close to God, and eventually happy if I had not gone through what I have. 


I can truly call it a blessing like James writes in the NT. In the very beginning of the book of James, he says, "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience." So we should be counting our blessings when we are struggling the most with the temptation of restricting/over exercising/ purging/ and even having ed thoughts? Well I don't think that the Lord wants us to be happy about those feelings because that is sin. But I do think He wants us to see how we are blessed in other areas of our life. Most importantly, He wants us to look/lean/pray/and cast our cares upon Him when we are struggling. 


For me, I feel like I have grown SO much as a person through my experience with ED. Seriously. Yes, I have hurts and problems. But have been broken and since I have relied on the Lord...I am being pieced backed together. He wants to carry our burdens. Remember the verse, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light,"? He ain't gonna drop you and leave you there. He is going to take your burdens and lift them away.....IF YOU LET HIM! That is the key. 


Verse 4 is always looked over in this chapter. " But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." Isn't that what we are ALL striving for with our ED'S? Perfection....to be entire.....and wanting nothing. To be complete....and in control. Well looky here. This is the answer. Fall on the Lord. When you are struggling look to Him. And this will cause you to have faith which will cause you to have patience with is a perfect work that makes us perfect, entire, and wanting nothing. Simple. As. That. 


James 5:11 says, "We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful." You. You who has cried, suffered, been torn inside, and outside. You who has felt completely alone, helpless, sad beyond belief, destroyed inside and out, ugly, fat, and completely worthless. Your struggling is not for nothing. There is a purpose. We may not know that purpose until we meet Jesus face to face. But there is a plan. One that will end with, "Well done my good and faithful servant." 

I will leave you with this final verse. 
James 1:12 says, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Click.Delete.Click.Delete.

Hello! I just finished going through my bookmarks of blogs that I follow. And I did something that I have been resisting doing for a while. I went through and deleted several of them from my bookmarks. Why you ask......well.........several of them are really triggering for me. I have followed lots of health/running/exercise blogs and I think that lots of the people that I read have some problems with eating and and over exercising and don't realize it. When I read these blogs...I feel like I am being silly and that I don't really have an eating or over exercising problem and this is how everyone is. I look at the food they consume and the amount of calories they burn and automatically start comparing myself to them. This is MY ISSUE. Not their's. They can post and do whatever they want. But I need to step back and help myself. I basically just clicked through each one and if their entire home page did not trigger me at all I did not push delete. If I felt the twinge bit of ED telling me that I was a failure and needed to be more like these people...I clicked delete. I am going to miss those blogs. Maybe someday I can return to them! :D I would suggest doing this....it is really going to help I think! :D


Today I had an amazing time reading my Bible this morning. Like I didn't want to stop reading. I love it when I am so engrossed in God's Word. However, I stopped reading to do something. WORK OUT. Ugh. I am so ashamed of this. I stopped reading my Bible.....to work out some more. :( I have to stop doing this. I am such a slave. I really felt though that I was being good to myself because I was SUPER sore after yesterday. So I decided I was JUST going to do yoga. I ended up doing yoga, lifting weights, working my abs and legs, and riding the stationary bike. Its like I get sucked in and can't stop. Poo. And guess what? I did this all after I got inspired after reading in Ephesians about pretty much this thing. 


Okay so, it is obvious that I am not practicing what I am preaching. So the following is more like me trying to pound these facts into my head. Go read Ephesians chapter 5 verses 1-20. They are pretty convicting for someone who is struggling with ED. Verse six is something I need to practice in my life. Not letting man deceive me with vain words. I use other people's judgments about weight and such and apply them to my life. I need to listen to God and what He wants for my body and life. Vs. 10 is awesome too. It basically talks about proving to yourself and those around you what is acceptable to our Father in heaven. Is working out for hours and depriving ourselves of the food God has provided acceptable to Him? NO its not D.E.B.O.R.A.H. (sorry for talking to myself) I just have to get this out! Anyways....I want to post more about this later....oh and I also want to post more about my last post....oh dear. This is confusing! :P I have so much to say!

And I'm Feeeeeeeeelin' Good. Duh Da duh Da da!

Ahh I love Michael Buble...and Debussy ( I am currently listening to Debussy...amazing composer!)! So today I am feeeeeeelin' good (obviously since that is what my title says). I love these days! These are the days that I have renewed hope and an outlook on life that looks pretty darn pleasant! Guess what I had for dindin last night and lunch today??!?! Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, salad, and corn! YUM! I have not had spaghetti/meatballs/and garlic bread in FOREVER! It was delicious! The marinara was AHHHHmazing (why?....it was from Maggianos!) I ate one two plate fulls! I thought that I was not hungry so I just started out slow...but then I felt more hungry so I dug in! 


I honestly can't believe that I have gotten to the point where I don't have terrible guilt about eating something like a second plate of spaghetti. Yeah....I still restrict and feel guilt when I overeat.....but it is not as bad anymore. Overeating is dangerous for people with ED. It sends you into a horrible vicious cycle of binging and restricting and over exercising and then all over again. Don't overeat. I know this sounds like my ED talking but it really isn't. I have had to learn how to deal with my ED thoughts. This is one of the most helpful things on earth. Eat when hungry...don't when not. 

Okay.....stop a second. Let's rewind. I want to clarify something.......EAT WHEN HUNGRY! And eat high calorie foods in order to gain weight! (yeah I just bolded that and underlined it. I mean business) Don't just eat 20 stalks of celery and 10 carrots and feel full so that you don't eat anymore! (I used to do this...not even kidding) Eat stuff like.....hmmm spaghetti and meatballs and garlic BREAD! Then when you are full....STOP. And don't you dare think about feeling guilty about what you just ate....oh and be sure to take part in that dessert too! But really...this has been so helpful for me. I feel so much more in control, happier, and knowledgeable about what my body needs once I started just listening to my body. I KNOW I KNOW! Everyone talks about it...intuitive eating....but really you will be surprised how easy it is. I feel great....and I am gaining weight! :D


Wonderful verses for the day: Romans 5:3-5 " ³And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
 ⁴And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
 ⁵And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."


I love the fifth verse. "And hope maketh not ashamed." When we have that hope...we will not be ashamed. That includes not being ashamed of our faith, muffin tops, jiggly legs, crazy families....and anything else that turns your face red! Trials and tribulations are things that make us into who we are. I am going to talk more about this in my next post. That is all for now!

The lasting things & recipe for Fear Food: Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo

 What lasts in this life? 

This morning I am reading in II Corinthians 4. It is definitely a clear outline of what lasts in this life and what we will have in the future.

Verses 16-18 say: "16For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
 17For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
 18While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."


Well this just pretty much blasts away any reason to be worried about outward appearances. Really. Being concerned with my looks can never stand up to these verses.


Verse 16 really hits home for me. I am trying to be perfect and beautiful on the outside but it is really to no avail. Someday I am going to get all wrinkly, have saggy boobs, and a rollie pollie tummy. Someday I hope to have kids. That is something that affects how I will look too. HELLO stretch marks! But that's okay. The important thing is that the inward man is renewed day by day. DAY BY DAY. We are constantly renewed and encouraged and loved by the Lord. And that is the kind of beauty that I should be focusing on and striving to perfect. I love verse 17. Its so real and honest. There is a more important and real things that wait for us in heaven. We get to spend eternity with our Lord and Savior. We should be preparing, looking forward to, and thinking on that great day when we enter heaven to spend eternity with Him. Verse 18 is awesome. I could never say it better. Just read it a couple times and let it sink in for you. 


So last night I made one of my biggest fear foods for dinner. Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo. Hello fat and calories and carbs and everything else bad for you! But I did it! I made it and I ate it. Here is the recipe (I altered it a bit)


 (not my picture....I don't have a camera :( but it looked like this kind of ! hahah! Source)
Fear Food: Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo
Serves 6 (maybe even some leftovers)
16 oz Fettuccine noodles
1/2 cup butter (really not needed...I would omit this and just saute' the onions and garlic in a TBS. of olive oil)
1/4 cup diced onions
1 TBS. minced garlic
Cooked and Peeled Shrimp (up to you on the amount)
1 cup half and half (you could really just use all milk)
1/2 cup milk
4 egg yolks (if you just use milk I would add an extra yolk to thicken it up more)
1 cup grated parmesan cheese
2 TBS. fresh chopped parsley
S & P to taste


Boil big pot of water and throw in pasta and a little salt. Stir occasionally for about  11 minutes. Meanwhile, saute' diced onions in butter on medium heat until translucent. Add minced garlic and saute' about a minute. Cook shrimp according to package instructions. Peel it and slice them into quarters.  Add shrimp to mixture and set aside. Check on that pasta. DON'T overcook pasta! Major crime! Add a bit of olive oil to pasta once cooked and stir. Add milk and half and half to a little pot and start heating on low. Get those egg yolks scrambled and pour in a little of that warm milk to temper them. Once they are a little warm add them to the milk mixture. Stir in grated parmesan cheese. Turn up heat to medium low but do not let the alfredo sauce boil. Stir frequently for about 5 minutes until it is all thick and creamy. Add in some pepper and salt (not too much). Add in shrimp mixture and sprinkle the parsley on top. Serve and enjoy!


I have not had alfredo in ....a loooooong time. It was mighty tasty. Mighty scary too! But I did it. I did not eat more than one serving though because dairy really bothers my tum tum. Especially that much. I took two digestive enzymes to help my tummy but I still ended up feeling sick for the rest of the night. Pooo.