Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Long time no see

Hello! I apologize for being MIA for the past few weeks. Thankfully, it is not because things have been bad.....they have been MUY BUENO!!!!!!!!!!!! (that is ALL I remember from taking Spanish for 2 years....oh dear) Thank you to all for your sweet comments and encouragement on my last post! I pray and hope that you all have found relief like I have.

How have things been great?!? Well....for starters...the last thing I go to bed thinking about and the first thing I think of when I wake up HAVE NOT BEEN ABOUT HATING MYSELF!!!! YAY! This has spilled over into the rest of my day too. I am finally going sometimes a few hours without thinking about food, how fat I am, etc. IT IS AMAZING. Absolutely life changing. I am not writing in a food journal anymore which even though it was SO helpful at the start....had turned into a restriction tool.

I AM INTUITIVELY EATING! Or at least trying to. It is really hard to KNOW what your body is wanting. Am I full? Am I hungry? But it is getting first I dropped some major poundage......I was eating too healthy....I was full all the time but I was full from eating large salads. So I hiked up my calorie intake again and I feel much better. Lately I have been craving chocolate. I have NEVER been a huge chocolate fan. But lately I am going CRAZY for chocolate! Not a bad thing since my dad gives me chocolate bars weekly! haha! :D And guess what?!?! I am letting myself eat them! YAY!

I have been so stressed out about life though......I am not doing as well in school as I would hope to be doing. I had a piano recital last week which I was cramming for. I can't find a job! :( I am also.....drum roll please..........IN THIS PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SUPER excited....I don't have any big roles (i started too late to audition). But I am a crowd person, slave, and mob person. Being the slave is the most fun! They have REAL WHIPS that they use! This play is AUTHENTIC! And best of is changing my life. Never has the love of Christ been so real to me. I cry after every practice out of sheer joy and adoration for our loving Saviour. If it is in your city....please go. Not only is the story the best....but their is pyrotechnics, dancing, acrobatics, etc!!! It is like a Cirque de Sole show!!!!!!!!!! I am loving it! is kind of stressing me out because we have practice a lot....but if it cuts into my studying is totally worth it. This is for something WAY greater than perfect grades

Write now, the Lord is just teaching me to rely on Him and ask Him for help. I am also starting to be a part of a Bible study with my sisters and friends. I LOVE IT! 

This is the workbook for the study.

God is working SO much in my life right now. It is incredible. He is answering all my prayers and strengthening me for the future. I hope and pray that you all find the same strength, hope, freedom, happiness, joy, appreciation for life, and respect for your bodies that I have found. 

Love this quote: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." -Dolly Parton. I would have to agree with Miss Parton!

Thursday, March 17, 2011


First of all..........................thank you all so very much for your amazingly kind, encouraging, and wonderful comments on my last post and all of my posts. I appreciate you all so much and am so thankful to have support out there.

So I am healed. Cured. Fixed. Eating working at full capacity. Yeah. You heard me. 

After that whole twinkie episode.......I was cured. I will forever be a twinkie lover (okay I actually am not the biggest fan of twinkies but since I ate that twinkie.....I have been a new girl!) I have been eating pure JUNK and I don't give a crap. Not one bit. In the last day I have (with some help) eaten an entire chocolate bar. I don't really know how it happened. It just did. And I don't care! No....I am not binging and all that....I am just desperately trying to gain weight so I can stop living in this ED world.

I AM SO STINKIN' SICK OF IT....ALL OF IT! I never want to weigh myself EVER again.....I never want to count calories EVER again......I never want to pinch my stomach EVER again.....I never want to exercise for 3 hours straight EVER again. I am done. That's it. Enough. I am through. It was a terrible ride....and I am finally able to get off. I will never ever catch a ride on the ED train again. 

So you may be asking why all of a sudden I am "cured". I can give you only ONE REASON. His name is Jesus. He has saved my life. I give ALL the credit to Him. I could have never ever made it through without Him. I could never be at the place I am in my life without Him.  HE is the one who has "cured" me. I desperately pray and hope that you all find the same relief. He is the only one that we can find TRUE happiness, peace, hope, love, grace, justice, and power in. LOOK NO FURTHER!

The Lord has really showed me how much I need to live my life to the fullest through all the disasters in Japan. Those people had NO warning that their was going to be an earthquake that would literally shift the world. Think about if you were in their shoes. If you died  tonight in a massive earthquake and a tsunami that carried you out into the middle of the ocean......where would you go? Will you simply cease to exist or is their something far greater and far worse out their that you are missing? Please think about it and ask yourself "what is going to happen to me"? 
I want to live my life like this. This is how Jesus lived His life on earth. He treated everyday as if it were His last day. He gave everything of Himself with the time that He had here on earth. Ultimately He gave up His very own life in order to give us life. If today was your last day...would you except Him into your life?

Saturday, March 12, 2011







Tuesday, March 8, 2011

It's snowing its pouring Deborah's spring break is boring! :P

Did you like my little rhyme? So my spring break has tragically been invaded by snow! sad day! I had all these grand plans of spending my spring break outside (tanning, walking, sitting). But alas, the clouds have decided to grace us with the presence of snow! Oh well! Might as well enjoy it! :D

so last night I went to a really fun/interesting/exciting class! I, my five readers (:P), am going to start a vegetable and herb garden! I went to a class with my mom, becky (sister), mike (bro-in law), and a friend that was about how to have a successful vegetable garden in my city. It was about an hour and a half long of all this interesting information on how to grow veggies and herbs! I am very excited! I can't wait to grow rosemary, oregano, basil, zuccini, beets, lettuce, swiss chard (favorite), carrots, potatoes, and so much more!  We already have a raised up garden that looks like this:

But I don't think it is going to be big enough to hold all that we want. So we are thinking of building one in our side yard that contains gravel. And then we are thinking of planting the herbs in separate pots because they tend to spread and invade the veggies! It is going to be great! I love fresh and organic produce and herbs! It should be fun to do as an activity/hobby with my mom too!

So we went and saw that "Adjustment Bureau (took me about fifteen times to spell that word right)". It was poopy. Don't see it. I was very disappointed. It was pretty much a slap in the face directed towards God. I was very offended by the message it had and would not recommend it to anyone. Oh and it was dead boring too. Hardly ANY action. That car crash moment in the trailer was THE ONLY car crash and only real "action packed" moment. Yeah Mat Damon punch two people and pushed a person but that was it. (I sound like a 15 year old boy) The acting was terrible except for Emily Blunt. I love her. :D It was still fun to go though! 

As far as recovery is going really well. Still have my hard moments but it gets easier every day. Last night I got into an argument with my sister. I was feeling really down on myself afterwards and therefore wanted to just skip dinner. I seriously was thinking "Why am I recovering? I am such a mess up and failure anyways. Might as well punish myself and not eat." I sat their and battled whether or not to eat. Then I started thinking about how much I have gained since I have recovered. And I thought about how not eating is NOT going to solve my problems, make me happier, or make people like me more. So I ate! And it was yummy too! My amazing sister made oatmeal pancakes, eggs, potatoes, and fruit for dinner! These pancakes were THE BEST PANCAKES EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously! She added tons of cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves which made them kind of spicy! OH YUM! I just love strong flavored food! Oh and then right before she flipped them she sprinkled slivered almonds on top. They added a great crunch! (oh and you better believe I spread pb on top of these and then syrup and then yogurt! YUM!)
Oh and GUESS WHAT!?!?!??! I am 5 pounds from my goal weight. Five! Thats it! How has this gone SO FAST!?!??!? I just want it to be over. I am so tired of weighing myself, journaling my food, and trying to gain weight. I want to get back to a life where eating isn't what I am focused on. I want to stop worrying about how much I weigh! I am so over it. 5 pounds to freedom. Hahah! Well I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Its YOU time!
When is your spring break?
Do you like snow?
Do you like lots of spice and flavor in your foods?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Extra! Extra! Pictures all about it! heehee :D

Good morning! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppy Saturday! Yay! And happy spring break for those of you who are on it! My lovely professors are so sweet and put all the big midterms AFTER spring break! So guess what I will be doing??!?! Haha! No really....I don't mind! It is kind of really nice to have the extra time to study during spring break! I have a couple fun things planned so no worries!

I am feeling so much better than I did all of this week. Very glad. I was getting so worried that I went 5 steps backwards when I was making so much progress. However, I am feeling like I am recovering those steps. I have to remember that I am not going to be healed or cured over night. This takes time. Gotta remember that.

I am filling this post with pictures! YAY! Lets start with the most important pictures.......OATMEAL!

OIAJ! My favorite Peanut Butter from Costco. Ingredient List: Peanuts, Salt. Aka. Yum, Yum. Eaten lying on bed...does it get any better than this?

The fro-yo I had forever ago and never showed! LOVE!

A monster salad eaten in the car at school!

A delicious quinoa/rice salad I made!

It was called Salsa Salad and it was amazing! I will have to post the recipe!

Toasting coconut for carrot cake!
Carrot Cake batter spreading! Didn't turn out how I like was really dry. BUMMER. :(

Creme Cheese frosting for carrot cake! Forgot to take final picture! :(

AMAZING WONDERFUL FRESH TACO'S! Yum! I got a shrimp taco and their signature taco!

Curried egg salad wrap...looks nasto....but oh so tasto! (cheesy) In the mix: hard boiled eggs, vegenase, relish, trader joes curry sauce, horseradish (why not?), and a toasted ww tortilla!
It has been so beautiful outside. Loving the weather...however yesterday was super cold and their were snow flurries....I hope today is nice! I want to go on a hike or walk or something. I am dying to go camping and hiking in the mountains. I almost just want to go even if I freeze my tooshy off! 
My sister and law is letting me borrow this! Can't wait to try it! I love work out videos!

We are going to see the Adjustment Bureau today! My favorite actress and my favorite actor in one movie that is packed with romance and action!?!?!?! LOVE! Super excited!

This is what I want to strive towards in my life: "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." -Colossians 3:12-14

Happy Saturdaying!

Questions for you:
Do you like fish tacos?
Would you see the Adjustment Bureau?
Do you like work out videos? Any good ones you know of?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The marathon of life.

So these past two weeks I feel like I have run a marathon of life. I have felt so many things, conquered so many battles, and discovered so many truths. I have a TON to say.

First on the agenda is to tell you that.....................drum roll please............................. I HAVE MY PERIOD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! It started on Sunday. HALLELUJAH! I ran downstairs with the biggest smile plastered on my face and told my mom and anna. We were all jumping up and down was awesome. Then Sarah joined in! I have never celebrated over a period before. :P

After this....I cried. Tears of joy. Pure joy. I felt the happiest I have felt in years. Thank God. I am not broken! I am a working female! ahahha!

Monday and Tuesday were awesome. I could not stop smiling. I was on cloud nine! Then after counseling on Tuesday afternoon (yesterday) I started to struggle. We kind of re-hashed some things and it really upset me. It was good though. But since then I have been struggling. I hate this yo-yoing. How can I go from being the happiest and most confidant that I have been in YEARS to feeling ugly, sad, and awful the next day. I don't get it. But I am not going to let it overtake me. I will feel that joy again! I know I will

Something incredible happened today. So I was at school and I was walking to my car. I go to a school that is not in the best part of town. There was a young girl sitting on her pink backpack who, while I was walking by, asked me what time it was. I told her 3:15. She proceeded to tell me that her dad was picking her up. I asked her if she wouldn't mind if I sat with her while she waited for her dad (for safety reasons). She said yes. So we proceeded to talk.

She basically told me her life story. Over a 15 minute conversation I learned all of the following things from her:
She was 13 years old.
She had a friend at school that told her that she didn't eat healthfully enough when she ate a sandwich, a soda pop, and a fruit roll up for lunch.
This friend also would tell her how many calories her food had and that she shouldn't be eating that food because it would make her fat.
Her brother was taken away by the state because of her physically abusive stepfather at the age of 3.
Her mom died when she was 3.
She lives with her birth dad, grandpa, and grandma.
Her grandpa is abusive.
She used to starve herself and skip all meals except for lunch at school.
Her boyfriend broke- up with her to be with a girl who "wears mini-skirts, is thin, and has blonde hair."
She said that she never was able to have a childhood and that she had to grow up and take care of herself.
She lost her best friend for life this year.

She told me ALL of these things in 15 minutes. She even cried while she was talking about her grandpa. It was terrible. Awful. I wanted to cry, hug her, scream at all the people who have hurt her, and take her home to live with me. I tried to tell her about Jesus. I asked her, "Do you know who Jesus is?" she said that her grandpa was a catholic and the rest of her family is lutheran. So I asked her, "Do you believe in Jesus?" She never answered. I proceeded to tell her that I am anorexic and that Jesus is THE ONE who is carrying me through. I told her to pray and go to him whenever she felt alone or sad. She ran off when her dad came to pick her up and didn't even say bye. It was the shortest most eye opening conversation of my life. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't even know her name. I KNOW GOD SENT her into my life. I KNOW IT. I don't know what to do with it though. 

I want to do something. I want to make a difference. I want to talk to girls who are struggling. I have this disorder for a reason. What am I going to do with it? Hold onto it until I wither away...or push it away and help others. I choose the latter. Please pray for this girl.