Saturday, February 12, 2011

New Year's Resolutions....a month late! :P Part One.

Good Morning Bloggy World!

I hope everyone is doing just grand today! I certainly am. Last night I did not feel this way. In fact I kind of came to a breaking point.

This is how I felt.
I seriously was at one of the closest moments I have been to wanting to give up. I looked in the mirror and saw what I thought was a fat pig who was hideous inside and out. Yesterday I didn't eat much. And I did it consciously. Part of it was that I have a cold so my appetite was not huge but I also restricted. I was home alone and while I was doing some body checking and pinching and squeezing of my "fat" ( and necessary fat to live) I told myself that I hated myself and was fat and ugly and that NOBODY liked me.I yelled that I wanted to die. I was saying it to God. I used to beg and plead to God that I would die. I haven't done this in a long time. I am sad that I would do something like that again. I ran through my head all of the rejections from friends and others and equated my appearance with the rejection. I told myself, "No wonder I have no friends. I am hideous and annoying and ugly and horrible." You see...since I have no CLOSE CLOSE BFFs right now....I think that I have NO friends....which is completely untrue. I have plenty of friends at school and ones from high school that I still am friends with. But since I don't see them often and I don't make an effort to be social I figure that no one likes me. Silly. And you know what made me feel the most ugly? My attitude. I feel SO guilty to God for hating myself so much. I still do. But this morning I awakened refreshed and invigorated to make a change.

One thing that is helping me is this book:

Great book. You should go get it. It makes me feel normal and not alone. At the beginning of each chapter there is a quote. The one for the Chapter called , "Do it for You," says, 
"The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another's keeping." 
Read that several times to really let it sink in. Its very profound, true, and enlightening. I need to make myself happy for me and God. NO ONE ELSE. I will never ever ever ever please EVERYONE. NEVER. And that's okay! The only people I need to please is the Lord and myself. (aside from obeying parents and of course I am not going to go around hurting people to please myself.... you get the idea)

So this is my new and ultimate New Year's Resolution (a month late)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to STOP....STOP....STOP pleasing others. RIGHT NOW. This is it. NO MORE.

I also came up with a list of 
Goals For 2011:
1 Weight XXX (healthy weight) and maintain.
2 After weighing XXX pounds stop weighing myself.
3 Read Bible everyday BEFORE homework, exercising, and computer time.(I usually end up at the end of the day reading for about 1 minute before bed because I put it off all day.)
4 Pray at least 5x's a day.( I probably pray once or twice a day. I don't even give thanks for food anymore. Not good.) 
5 Find 5 positive things each day about myself and repeat them out loud (suggestion from book).
6 Don't body check.
7 Don't not wear something because it shows curves..
8 Take 2 rest days from exercise a week.
9 Do only 2 days of cardio a week.
10 Study for only 5 hours a day. Stop after five hours (I study WAY TOO MUCH!)
11 Every time I feel ugly, fat, etc.......pray. (This one is going to help a lot...I know it.) 

So these are my goals that are things that I need to change about myself. I have another list of more fun goals! I will post those next.(Please don't compare yourself to these goals. Everybody has different goals/standards. These are just mine.)

Now because I am pretty much a go with the flow kind of person PERFECTIONIST, I would normally follow these goal religiously and beat myself up if I don't do something for just one day. I am not going to do that. These are things I want to strive for. As long as I make some effort......I am accomplishing something. A quote from the book above helped me to realize this. Micheal Addison Read said, 
"Since every failure is a lesson, every challenge an opportunityy, and every joy a triumph, it's hard to go wrong."


Lily said...

I love all of your goals!!

Sorry you had a rough day yesterday..:'(

But it sounds like you learned from it and am moving on!

remind yourself of the quote you put at the end - SO true..

Have a wonderful Sunday! :)

BecomingBryana said...

Oh, body checking. How I hate it. I can sit for minutes at a time just pinching my stomach. The saddest part is that I don't realize I do it half the time.

Isn't it awful how much ED twists our minds? ED says you don't have friends because you are an ugly, awful person. The truth is that you might not have as many close friends specifically because of ED...because ED is the looser who makes having a desire to have friends difficult. It is all so twisted and screwed up.

I totally agree, pleasing yourself is number one. You can't make other people feel good if you yourself don't feel good! :-)