Battlefield

So I meant to post this on Tuesday...oops! 
Long time no write, huh. Well this week has been interesting so far. I am still striving forward and trying to do my best at being spontaneous and adventurous with my foods. However, even though I felt like I was on cloud nine last Friday, reality or rather ed has come back to me. Its so discouraging. I am happy, feel beautiful, and am content with how I look and then the next day I feel ugly, unhappy, and discontent. I know that I am slowly but surely getting better though. I have made a lot of progress.


Today I met with Mary Ellen. It was a good but really hard time. Since I have started going to her (its been something like 3 or 4 months), I have only gained 5 pounds. That is not so great. She told me that I really need to try to pick up the pace and try to really gain weight. This is so scary. I have that terrible fear that once I reach my healthy weight again, that I will lose control and start eating everything in my path and start sitting around all day. I have this irrational fear that I will spin out of control and end up miserable. This is crazy though because I LOVE healthy food and I LOVE exercising. Why do I have this fear that all of a sudden my personality will change and I will be an old miser. I explained this to her and she was very understanding. I think I have this fear because when I was at a healthy weight, I was terribly unhappy. I felt alone, ugly, lazy, I ate horribly....all that jazz. But I am different now. I have to start believing in myself and my capability to not become a couch potato. 


Another thing that is bothering me is someone in my family. I have been so close to my this person all this year and she has helped me so much. However, lately she has been saying things that make recovering from ED really hard. Today she told me that she thinks that I shouldn't gain as much weight as Mary Ellen suggests for me. She said that would be kind of ,"heavy." I was surprised at her telling me this. She then went on to question why I stopped doing cardio and acted like it was silly for me to stop and that I should continue to do so because having cardiovascular health is important. I wanted to say "Duh. I know that!" However, I just nodded and told her that I really can't do cardio right now due to my mental health. I would be doing it for the wrong reasons and it would make recovery much harder. She acted confused and kind of just shrugged it off. I don't understand it. It is so frustrating to have the people surrounding you not know the mental processes of those with ed. 


A sister used to always talk about weight, looks, nutrition and all that stuff. It was her main topic of conversation. I asked her to stop talking about it. She did for a while and then she went back to doing it. So I asked her again and she stopped. This last weekend however, she was going through old pictures of herself and saying how big her arms were and how bad she looked. I hate how she always criticizes my other sister too for her weight. She used to always talk about how my other sister and I were the large ones and how she was the fit one. Now that I have anorexia, she doesn't talk about me. But she still breaks down my other sister in this way. Why? Why does she do this? Its terrible. The thing is I used to follow along with it and agree with her. I am so glad that I know see the detrimental effects of this kind of conversation. Anyways, all of these things have been bothering me and have made it really hard for me to recover.


So this is a major Debbie Downer post but I just needed to tell someone I feel like I am in the midst of a battlefield right now and I am praying that I win! 
On Sunday, the sermon was amazing. Spoke right to my heart. It was about Psalm 23...you know "He leadeth me beside still waters...He restoreth I anointed you . . . I delivered you . . . I gave you . . . and gave you the house of Israel and Judah . . . I also would have given you much more." The Lord has given me numerous opportunities to turn from my sin and enjoy the Lord and honor Him with my life. But I and Satan has chosen sin for my life. This can be changed though. WE HAVE HOPE!! "So David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD.And Nathan said to David, "The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die. " The Lord showed grace to David. David murdered a man. In today's world he would have probably received the death penalty. The Lord is full of grace though and forgives us our sin. I just have to recognize my sin and turn from it. This is so much easier said than done. But David went on to be an AMAZING king and was also in the lineage of Jesus. The Lord honors those who follow Him and turn from their sin. 


Because David experienced many struggles in his life and sinned greatly........near the end of his life he could say:

 ¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
 ²He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
 ³He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
 ⁴Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
 ⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
 ⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

ADORABLE!

This was an amazing meal we had the other day: Chicken with cranberry dressing and roasted veggies with feta.

One of my favorite dinners ever.

I have to share this cranberry sauce recipe with you!!!!!!!!!! It is the one we use for Thanksgiving. I will post it on Monday!

"I wanna celebrate and live my life, Saying ay-oh!"

Ahhh...I love that song! I am listening it to it right now and that's kind of how I feel! Life is good. Really good. Suprisingly good. Wonderful really.

Its like I have been cured. Seriously. You don't even know what I ate yesterday! I feel like a champion! I started out with my regular oats and and egg......THEN.....I ate pizza and salad at this fun resteraunt called Pizza Republica! And then I ate fried....yes fried.....italian egg rolls, buffalo sliders, fondu, apple pie, and bread pudding at a fun little resteraunt downtown! Fun times! I'll give you a rundown now!

I started the day by working out, eating breakfast, and going to counseling. Counseling was really helpful and I feel really inspired after it. My counselor suggested that I start volunteering and hanging out with other Christian College groups since I am going to have more free time since I am only taking 4 classes this semester! I have been wanting to do this for a while but have been scared to. I don't know why. Its the same un-social ed thoughts I think. But when she suggested this to me, I felt like it was from the Lord. I have been really wanting to serve others in some way and get to know other Christian college kids around! I am going to look at some different options of volunteer places and stuff! I'll let you know where I get with that! (Let's hope I still feel this adventurous to go out and be around other people!)

My dad works right next to my counselor...like a mile away. So I thought that I would call him up and see if I could come and say hi real quick. I never do this. Never. I am not spontaneous whatsoever and I am actually kind of struggling with my relationship with my dad right now. So this was hard but when the idea popped in my head...I wasn't going to let myself say no. So I called him up. It turned out that he was at starbucks with a couple of business people. He asked if I wanted to come.....I hesitated .......but then just said yes. So I went.....and the business people were really nice and I got to hear about all this interesting stuff. I am a business major so it was fun to see real life business people in action! Afterwards......one of the ladies asked if we would like to go to lunch.....I wanted to say no so badly. 1. because I have a lot of homework that I should have been doing (and should be doing right now) 2. she wanted to go to a pizza place (AHHHHHHH.....CALORIES!!!!!!!!!) 3. I really don't like eating "junky" food in front of other people (call me crazy but if I am going to eat "unhealthy" food I have to do it alone.) However, I knew that this was my ed and depression kicking in so I again said noYES! (I'm on a role!)

My AMAZING salad!

They had a lunch special at this pizza place where you could get a 9" pizza and a salad or soup. I got the mixed green salad that had Balsamic Roasted Tomato, Pickled Pearl Onions, Shaved Parmesan Reggiano, and Balsamic Vinaigrette. OOOOOOHhhh yum!  The pickled onions and balsamic roasted tomatoes made it DELICOUS! Oh and everything that they use is either locally grown or imported from Italy! AWESOME! It tasted so fresh and delicous! I even saw some cans of stewed tomatoes in their kitchen (the kitchen is visable while you eat!) and the words on the can were all in Italian. Love it! For my 9" pizza I got the Pizza Giacomo which had a red sauce, Fresh Mozzarella, Goat Cheese, Wild Mushroom, Arugula, Fried Garlic, and EVOO! YUM! The fried garlic was increadible.....it was sliced SO thin and then fried to crispy perfection. When you bit into the pizza there was that unexpected crunch! Yum! It was pretty good pizza! It was neopolitan style (thin crust) which is my favorite. However it wasn't very bold flavor wise. I would have liked to have tasted more red  sauce and goat cheese. It was kind of bland....except for the fried garlic (LOVE!). I think I actually enjoyed the salad more! haha! 

I did love the fresh arugala on top! YUM!

And guess what?!?!?!?! GUESS FREAKING WHAT?!?!? I ate 3 slices. 3. yes. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. 3. AHHHHH! And I ate my WHOLE salad. CRAZY! I am so proud of myself. I snapped....and ate it! I usually can't stomach 1 slice of pizza none the less 3 slices!!!! Wow! Sorry...I will stop tooting my own horn now! :D

And you know what....I was full but not THAT full....crazy I know. Most people would be like...."Dang girl....you ate 3 slices!??!?! What's wrong with you?!?!?" But hey...I was hungry and I wanted it. And I didn't freak out about it that much....sure I was kind of IN SHOCK at what I had just let myself do....but I honestly felt like I was taking that pizza and shoving it in the face of ED! HA! TAKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

After this I went home and worked on homework for about 2 hours. Then my sister called and asked if I wanted to go out with some friends to a place called the Union Bistro for drinks and appetizers. At first I said no. I had homework to do, I didn't want to eat more "unhealthy" food since I went crazy at lunch, and I didn't want to go socialize with people. Then I stopped myself. Was it really me who was saying no or was it my ed? Did I....ME....MYSELF......want to go? no way YES SIREEE I DID!!!!!!!!!! So I said yes. I'm going crazy! ahah! So I went...and I got a virgin strawberry dakury.......and yes I drank it all.....and yes I didn't scoop off the whipped cream! BAM! And then I nibbled on all kinds of yummy eats that I listed above! And when I got home....I was still hungry.........I wanted to just go upstairs and go to bed without filling up my tum tum. But I said no to that and said YES to some left over sweet potato fries, green beans, and cornbread from my parents dinner. Yes I ate cornbread too! With agave! And then I happily went to bed after eating and saying yes to everything I always say no to.

I feel alive. Happy. I feel like celebrating and living my life while saying "AY-OH!" ahahah! Cheezy much?!?!? But I am serious! I feel like a rockstar! I feel like me for the first time in forever. It is a WONDERFUL FEELING! I only hope that the rest of you have or get this feeling! I can only say that it is by the grace of God that I am doing this well. I don't know how I am doing it...but I am! I feel in control, confidant, powerful, beautiful ( yes...I feel beautiful!!!), etc. My sister said something so true last night. She said that life is meant to be lived. We spend SO much time just worrying about our life that we don't ever truely live it to the fullest. Is that how God wants us to live? He has given us food for pleasure and nourishment. He has given us exercise for pleasure and health. He has given us friends for pleasure and help. He has given us lives. Have you ever thought about that. He has breathed life into you. What are YOU going to do with it? Will you use your life to worry about food, image, beauty, loneliness, control, etc? Or will you use your life to have fun, please and honor God, and bless others? Even though it is hard....I am wanting and striving to do the latter. I encourage you to do the same!!!!!!!! Thank you for your prayers. They are working. And I hope you know that I pray for you as well!

Do something crazy today. Say yes. Shove ed into the trash can and eat for fun! Check out that body of yours and thank God that you have arms, legs, a stomach, a face, and a beating heart! We are so blessed.....we just can't see it. I encourage you to take the time to see those blessings and to enjoy them to the fullest!!!!!!!!

Pho!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pronounced fa!)

Good afternoon! I guess I will just get right into it. Last night was kind of not a good night. But unlike before, I was able to recover. This morning I still was sad/angry but after going to my doctor's appointment...I felt much better. This would not have happed a month ago. Usually I would get into these modes where I would be sad for days on end over one thing. Thankfully, with a few tears shed, a long talk with my mom, and some prayer, I was able to turn my day around. Very pleased about this.

Something neat.....my doctor said that I was at one of the fastest rates she's seen of recovery. This meant a lot to me. She said, which I agree with, that I seem to have a great environment to get well....I have a counselor and a wonderful mother to help and support me. She was so right. I realize how much I take this for granted. Having my mom supportive of me is a huge blessing. She has helped me so much. Along with my counselor. And most importantly I have God to help me.

Have any of you ever had Pho before??? If you haven't, you should find a Pho place to eat soon. Pho is defined by wiki as, "a Vietnamese noodle soup, usually served with beef (pho bo) or chicken (pho ga).^] The soup includes noodles made from rice and is often served with, basil, lime, bean sprouts, and peppers that are added to the soup by the consumer." Mmmmm it is so good. Here is a picture from wiki of the traditional Pho.

Look at how huge!

When my mom and 2 of my sisters went to San Diego a while a go.....we found this Vietnamese restaurant and we ate Pho. Well we didn't know that is what we had eaten. WE LOVED IT! But it was all the way over in San Diego......so we have wanted to go back to get some. Little did we know.....we had had Pho. Well my dad has loved this Vietnamese place called Pho Saigon. So he invited myself, my mom, and 2 sisters to come and eat at this place. Well....I ended up ordering the shrimp pho which was DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!.My dad insisted that I got the large size of the pho.....just 75 cents more that the medium. So I ordered a large. Let me tell you something. This was not large. This was super-mega-monstor-huge-can't eat if forced to-size! It was huge!

It was amazing to say the least. I had to add some hot sauce and I added tons of the basil/asian cilantro/ been sprouts/lemon juice all mixed in!

They give you a plate of herbs and sprouts to top your  pho with. MMMM! (phone pic...terrible quality)

The flavor of the broth. YUM! I am a broth girl! What the heck does that mean, you ask? It means I would rather have more broth than all the other stuff in soup. I love broth. This broth....I can't even describe the flavor....I can't compare it to anything. You have to try Pho. This place was packed out and had a line out the door. I will be going quite often (I still have leftovers!!! YAY!)

I did something kind of scary too....I ate a crab cheese wonton. Deep fried cheesy, crabby goodness. Loved it! The dipping sauce....ahhh. I could have drank it. It was really sweet and tasted like ginger on steroids. MY FAVORITE! :D 

Yes. The sauce was really that orange. SCARY but YUMMY!

It was really fun! And I found my new favorite place to eat! YAY! I even found a blog dedicated to Pho lovers http://www.lovingpho.com/! :D 

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

Stylish Blogger....who me?!??!

Thank you miss Katy for the Stylish Blogger Award! This is fun!

These are the Stylish Blogger guidelines:

In order to accept this award you must do the following:

•  Make a post and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
•  Share 7 things about yourself.
•  Award 15 other recently discovered fabulous bloggers!
•  Contact these bloggers to alert them that they’ve won!

Alrighty then.....for the first part! Get ready...get set...GO!

From left to right, my mom, sister in law, 2 sisters, me, another sister! (this was taken a while ago!)

1. OOOohhhh man. I can't think of anything! hahah! Okay I have to get serious now! UMmmm I am the youngest child in my family. I have 3 sisters and one brother! I LOVE MY FAMILY! I spend almost all of my free time hanging out with my siblings and I adore them all! I have been blessed with incredible siblings!

2. I love ketchup, peanut butter, horseradish, wasabi, honey mustard, blue cheese dressing, cinnamon, nutmeg, garlic, and balsamic vinegar on practically everything.  Yes...I love carrots and grapes dipped in peanut butter. Yes I put horesradish and wasabi in my salad dressings and potatoes. Yes I put ketchup on my eggs. Mmmm I love wierd sauces!

3. I love school. Not even kidding. I love to do homework. I love studying long and hard for a mega exam. I love going to school with my nerdy roller backpack (still think I'm a stylish blogger?!?!?!). I love to make friends with my professors. I would rather do school than many many many things. I am SUPER EXCITED to start school on Wednesday! Can't wait!

Me and my big sis singing and playing Christmas carols!

4. Music makes up about 50% of my life. I am constantly listening to music ( I love indie/alternative music....go listen to Blitzen Trapper, Peter Bjorn and John, Sufjan Stevens, Brooke Waggoner, Ingrid Michealson, Phoenix, Priscilla Ahn, and Basshunter to get a taste of what I like!). I play the piano (I have been playing for something like 8 years) and have played the guitar for about a year. I have a drum set in my bedroom for "decoration" (my mom won't let me play :P).  I also LOVE TO SING! I do it all the time! My poor family has to put up with me singing all the time...and I love to harmonize to songs. I am off most of the time but I love to do it! Again...my poor family!

5. I have gone to the same church since I was 4. That's 14 years. I love it! It is a pretty small church...therefore I know almost everyone. They are like my family. I love them so much and get to spend every Wednesday and Sunday with them. They encourage me, bless me, help me, and are great friends. I hope I get to stay at my church forever!

6. No one outside of my family, counselor, doctor, and bloggy friends know that I have an ED. I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I want to tell them but I always get to scared and I don't want things to change between us because of my problem. I also heard that these days many girls are becoming anorexic because they have heard of their friends being anorexic and do it themselves. (not that it is something that you can "do"...it is a mental illness...but you know what I mean.) Should I tell my friends? I also want to be a help to all people concerning body image. I want my friends to know what I have gone through and to not go what I have gone through. I am kind of conflicted you see.

Me Wearing sweatpants, thick socks, tennies, 2 shirts, a 2 sweatshirts, a coat, 2 scarves, and gloves, with a blanket on my lap......still freezing!!! haah!

7. Now for something kind of funny.....I am constantly cold. Yes...I know it is because of my anorexia. I am working on this. But seriously I am always cold. It is quite humorous you see because this winter my mom bought me a heated bed thing. I just have to hit a couple buttons and my bed is all roasty toasty. Guess what I do? An hour or so before bed I turn on my bed warmer and lay out my pj's onto my bed. When I come back to get ready for bed....my pj's are all warm! Its fabulous! For Christmas I got a snuggie, underclothes that are made specifically to keep you warm, slipper socks (my fav), an ear warmer, and 2 pairs of gloves. I sleep with super warm thick sheets, a down comforter, and 3 thinner blankets. yes. I know. Its crazy. I have been known to warm myself up by turning on the burner and standing next to it or lighting a candle to warm my  hands up! I'm pretty much known for being constantly cold. At school....I usually wear jeans, uggs (with thick wool socks on), 2 shirts, a sweater, a coat, and a scarf. I wear it all day long and don't take any layers off. Usually I wish I had more. My body temp. has no rhyme or reason! :P

Okay that was WAY to much about me!  I want to hear about you guys....so here are my tags:

Hedda@Learning To Listen and Trust

Katy@ rediscoverED

Kat@katshealthcorner

Clare@Fitting It All In

Taylor @ Taydor Tott

Elizabeth Ann@ Mo(u)rning Restoration

Danielle@ Beating Ed

Lily@ Life worth Loving

Jenna@Jenna's Journey

The Hungry runner Girl

Carlee@Snack Girl Goes Healthy

Dana@ Happiness Is Within

Janetha @ Meals and Moves

Arielle @ Actively Arielle

Julie @ Beautiful You

Here is a little quote I just read. It is fabulous. I keep on reading it. Read it several times to get the real punch of it. It is very profound and helpful. "I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most precious thing in all thinking." -George MacDonald

Have a wonderful day!

A snowy walk!

Hello all! Today is a good day. Thank goodness for that! This morning I cried for a while and it really made me feel better. I haven't cried in several days (thats a record....hahah just kidding!) and so it felt good to just let it out. Last night we went to go see The Kings Speech (GO SEE IT!)! On the way there I just wanted to burst out sobbing. I was so upset. It was over silly things too.


So last night I was planning on eating some soup for dinner but then my mom told me that she had reheated some leftover spaghetti and meatballs. So I kind of felt like I needed to have that since she already had it ready. The thing is I really didn't want to eat that. And it made me realize something. I have to sike myself up for the food I am going to be eating. seriously. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I have to. I have to plan and know what I am going to be eating or else I get really upset. Like the other night when I had hot dogs (woo hoo I did it!) I had to sike myself up for it for a couple of hours. Once I knew that was what we were having for dinner I had to prepare myself mentally. Does anyone else have to do this? Anyways, I had to be flexible last night and it really bothered me. Then we left late for the movie which really bothered me too. In the car I just wanted to burst out sobbing....but I didn't want to spoil the night for the rest of the family so I just held it inside. Anyways, it felt good to just release this morning.


Yesterday and the day before I took Henry (my dog) for a walk! We were finally able to go since most of the snow ( i thought) had been shoveled of of peoples sidewalks. well....they weren't really shoveled so we had to trudge through but he loved it! 

Henry in the snow. Sorry its blurry!

I realized something on this walk too. Whenever I am out in nature I feel strong and beautiful. It seriously is the only time I feel this way. When I was on this walk I felt cute in my baggy jeans, big sweater, scarf, and huge sunglasses. No I didn't have a great outfit on. No I didn't do my hair well that day. No I didn't have new clothes on. But I still felt beautiful. There is something about looking at all of God's creation that just inspires me. I am reminded of the beauty of this world and the beauty that God has bestowed on me. I love being outside! I can't wait for summer when i can be outside without freezing my toushy off!

I want to go back to what I was talking in my post about Ephesians 5. In verse 11 it talks about not being associated with or spending our precious time with the "unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them." I think this is something that we should all do. I once thought that it was crazy to out loud tell a sin to go away or to stop. But I really believe it works. I know I sound CRAZY. But seriously. Saying it outloud kind of pushes it out and brings it out in the open. When I first started my recovery, outloud I said "Go away anorexia. Go away vanity." The minute after this I felt such relief. Its like a burden was lifted. I then prayed that the Lord would fill my heart with something else. Something better. Since that day I have been stronger and had less of a burden. I did this after I watched this inspiring and helpful video (I think her focus is a little off at the end when she talks about being skinny after anorexia and all that but it is still helpful): 

Anyways, I think this verse follows along with that. You don't have to yell out and cast out any sins or anything. But I do think that we need to recognize these sins and reprove (which means to  to scold or correct) them. We need to discontinue obsessing about our appearances, control, etc (the thing that is an unfruitful work of darkness). Then we need to point out those flaws in our life and correct and reprove them! I hope this is helpful to some. I am not trying to be all judgmental and stuff. This is just something that I have needed to work on with myself. I hope it is helpful! Have a wonderful Saturday!

I am such a boy...why? BECAUSE I LOVE INCEPTION!

So tonight we are going to watch inception with some friends! If you haven't seen it.....stop what you are doing....drive to that red/magic box and get it for 1 dollar. Totally worth it. In fact I might am going to buy it today. It is worth that much (I DON'T buy movies). When we rented it 2 weeks ago I watched it 2....make that 3 times in 2 days. Yeah. Sad, huh?

So I decided that I am going to add some more pages that have tips on recovery. My counselor gave me a ton of worksheets and stuff that I think would be helpful to everyone! 


As far as my post ....whatever it was.....3 days ago?....I wanted to talk more about the whole trials and tribulations thing. Well I have come to a conclusion. A big one....one that has honestly made me understand why I have struggled so much. Trials and tribulations make us into who we are. I honestly can't say that I would be as  wise, mature, close to God, and eventually happy if I had not gone through what I have. 


I can truly call it a blessing like James writes in the NT. In the very beginning of the book of James, he says, "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience." So we should be counting our blessings when we are struggling the most with the temptation of restricting/over exercising/ purging/ and even having ed thoughts? Well I don't think that the Lord wants us to be happy about those feelings because that is sin. But I do think He wants us to see how we are blessed in other areas of our life. Most importantly, He wants us to look/lean/pray/and cast our cares upon Him when we are struggling. 


For me, I feel like I have grown SO much as a person through my experience with ED. Seriously. Yes, I have hurts and problems. But have been broken and since I have relied on the Lord...I am being pieced backed together. He wants to carry our burdens. Remember the verse, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light,"? He ain't gonna drop you and leave you there. He is going to take your burdens and lift them away.....IF YOU LET HIM! That is the key. 


Verse 4 is always looked over in this chapter. " But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." Isn't that what we are ALL striving for with our ED'S? Perfection....to be entire.....and wanting nothing. To be complete....and in control. Well looky here. This is the answer. Fall on the Lord. When you are struggling look to Him. And this will cause you to have faith which will cause you to have patience with is a perfect work that makes us perfect, entire, and wanting nothing. Simple. As. That. 


James 5:11 says, "We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful." You. You who has cried, suffered, been torn inside, and outside. You who has felt completely alone, helpless, sad beyond belief, destroyed inside and out, ugly, fat, and completely worthless. Your struggling is not for nothing. There is a purpose. We may not know that purpose until we meet Jesus face to face. But there is a plan. One that will end with, "Well done my good and faithful servant." 

I will leave you with this final verse. 
James 1:12 says, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Click.Delete.Click.Delete.

Hello! I just finished going through my bookmarks of blogs that I follow. And I did something that I have been resisting doing for a while. I went through and deleted several of them from my bookmarks. Why you ask......well.........several of them are really triggering for me. I have followed lots of health/running/exercise blogs and I think that lots of the people that I read have some problems with eating and and over exercising and don't realize it. When I read these blogs...I feel like I am being silly and that I don't really have an eating or over exercising problem and this is how everyone is. I look at the food they consume and the amount of calories they burn and automatically start comparing myself to them. This is MY ISSUE. Not their's. They can post and do whatever they want. But I need to step back and help myself. I basically just clicked through each one and if their entire home page did not trigger me at all I did not push delete. If I felt the twinge bit of ED telling me that I was a failure and needed to be more like these people...I clicked delete. I am going to miss those blogs. Maybe someday I can return to them! :D I would suggest doing this....it is really going to help I think! :D


Today I had an amazing time reading my Bible this morning. Like I didn't want to stop reading. I love it when I am so engrossed in God's Word. However, I stopped reading to do something. WORK OUT. Ugh. I am so ashamed of this. I stopped reading my Bible.....to work out some more. :( I have to stop doing this. I am such a slave. I really felt though that I was being good to myself because I was SUPER sore after yesterday. So I decided I was JUST going to do yoga. I ended up doing yoga, lifting weights, working my abs and legs, and riding the stationary bike. Its like I get sucked in and can't stop. Poo. And guess what? I did this all after I got inspired after reading in Ephesians about pretty much this thing. 


Okay so, it is obvious that I am not practicing what I am preaching. So the following is more like me trying to pound these facts into my head. Go read Ephesians chapter 5 verses 1-20. They are pretty convicting for someone who is struggling with ED. Verse six is something I need to practice in my life. Not letting man deceive me with vain words. I use other people's judgments about weight and such and apply them to my life. I need to listen to God and what He wants for my body and life. Vs. 10 is awesome too. It basically talks about proving to yourself and those around you what is acceptable to our Father in heaven. Is working out for hours and depriving ourselves of the food God has provided acceptable to Him? NO its not D.E.B.O.R.A.H. (sorry for talking to myself) I just have to get this out! Anyways....I want to post more about this later....oh and I also want to post more about my last post....oh dear. This is confusing! :P I have so much to say!

And I'm Feeeeeeeeelin' Good. Duh Da duh Da da!

Ahh I love Michael Buble...and Debussy ( I am currently listening to Debussy...amazing composer!)! So today I am feeeeeeelin' good (obviously since that is what my title says). I love these days! These are the days that I have renewed hope and an outlook on life that looks pretty darn pleasant! Guess what I had for dindin last night and lunch today??!?! Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, salad, and corn! YUM! I have not had spaghetti/meatballs/and garlic bread in FOREVER! It was delicious! The marinara was AHHHHmazing (why?....it was from Maggianos!) I ate one two plate fulls! I thought that I was not hungry so I just started out slow...but then I felt more hungry so I dug in! 


I honestly can't believe that I have gotten to the point where I don't have terrible guilt about eating something like a second plate of spaghetti. Yeah....I still restrict and feel guilt when I overeat.....but it is not as bad anymore. Overeating is dangerous for people with ED. It sends you into a horrible vicious cycle of binging and restricting and over exercising and then all over again. Don't overeat. I know this sounds like my ED talking but it really isn't. I have had to learn how to deal with my ED thoughts. This is one of the most helpful things on earth. Eat when hungry...don't when not. 

Okay.....stop a second. Let's rewind. I want to clarify something.......EAT WHEN HUNGRY! And eat high calorie foods in order to gain weight! (yeah I just bolded that and underlined it. I mean business) Don't just eat 20 stalks of celery and 10 carrots and feel full so that you don't eat anymore! (I used to do this...not even kidding) Eat stuff like.....hmmm spaghetti and meatballs and garlic BREAD! Then when you are full....STOP. And don't you dare think about feeling guilty about what you just ate....oh and be sure to take part in that dessert too! But really...this has been so helpful for me. I feel so much more in control, happier, and knowledgeable about what my body needs once I started just listening to my body. I KNOW I KNOW! Everyone talks about it...intuitive eating....but really you will be surprised how easy it is. I feel great....and I am gaining weight! :D


Wonderful verses for the day: Romans 5:3-5 " ³And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
 ⁴And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
 ⁵And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."


I love the fifth verse. "And hope maketh not ashamed." When we have that hope...we will not be ashamed. That includes not being ashamed of our faith, muffin tops, jiggly legs, crazy families....and anything else that turns your face red! Trials and tribulations are things that make us into who we are. I am going to talk more about this in my next post. That is all for now!

Looks aren't everything, PEOPLE!

Yesterday I was eating lunch with a few people from church. (it was potluck day.....eat only the food from people you know really well day) :P A girl who is in her early twenties, another who is 17, 2 boys in their mid-teens, and two 12 years olds were all a part of the conversation. Well.....let's just say that the conversation kind of took a turn that made me observe some really sad things about this generation.

The 17 years old girl has a 15 year old cousin who attends school with herself and one of the boys who was part of the conversation. They both started talking about this 15 year old cousin and how he is considered the , "hottest guy in school". They went on and on about how "all the girls love him" and how it is so annoying to him when the not-so-attractive girls goggle over him. The 17 year old even made the comment that it was ridiculous that this one girl who is ugly told her that she didn't understand why he didn't like her but to the 17 year old it was obviously because she wasn't attractive. I didn't know what to say. I honestly just sat their and fumbled to say something that would turn the conversation or that would reinforce to those around me that looks are not everything. I was really disheartened after this conversation. I know I sound like a mom wearing a jumper and birkenstocks, but what have we come to? I wanted to shout out my frustration. I don't know why it bothered me so much. What should I have said? 

This is what I looked like. Haha! 

Scared to eat.

So yesterday afternoon I went to see Mary Ellen (counselor). And I was as honest as honest could be. I weighed myself on Tuesday and I have lost weight. Lovely. I REALLY thought that I had gained weight over the last week and a half. I was really disappointed in myself. I did not want to tell Mary Ellen. I KNOW that I have to gain this weight back. But I don't want someone to tell me that and to be monitoring what I am eating! But she was asking all about my anorexia and stuff and I just kind closed my eyes and told her. She was so sweet and thanked me for my honesty.

Sooo after she heard that I have been loosing weight and that I am frustrated with myself she started asking what I was eating. I told her and she thought that I was on a pretty good track but definitely need to amp up the protein and fat. I LOVE protein...can't stand fat. Gross. Even the thought of what fat really is makes me gag. Butter (I literally  just got goosbumps from thinking about it....gross!), milk, non fat free dairy products...yeah all of it has to start entering my diet. She is also going to have me start to keep a food journal. This makes me really nervous. Immediately I start worrying about what I have been eating and if I am unhealthy and all of that. Yesterday I was hungry and didn't let myself eat because I didn't want to write it down in the food journal because I don't want Mary Ellen to think I eat too much. Rational? NO WAY. Why do I think like this?

In the end though I was honest again....uhhh...being honest is painful sometimes...and told her that I know the major reason why I am not gaining weight. E.X.E.R.C.I.S.E. Yeah. I addicted. I am a cardio junkie. I do more cardio than i would really like to fess up to. No I am not a marathoner that runs 18 miles three times a week. But I do do way too much....especially since I am a person who is trying to gain weight and get back my period. I can't stop though. Ahhhh....I love it so much...and I HAVE to do it. At least that is how I feel. I am going to have to give it up sometime though. Not completely of course...no no no way ....don't scare me like that!!!!! :P But I am going to have to start to back off a little. I put way to much priority and time into running my butt off. Its kind of like my idol. Sounds crazy I know but it really is getting in the way of my relationship with God. Before I sit down to read my Bible I have to work out. Before I take time to pray I have to work out. You wanna know why? Because I know that the Lord is not pleased with me concerning this. And I am too guilty to face Him about it.

Anyways, I am going to not let writing my food down stop me from eating when i am hungry and I am going to stop doing SO much cardio. More strength training. I want muscles anyways. Bring on the protien and the wieghts! :D Have an awesome day all!

Ooooh oooh P.S. I ate OIAJ yesterday for the first time! YUM! too much fun! not enough peanut butter left in the jar though...my other peanut butter obsessed sister scraped it pretty clean already! Still yummy though!

The lasting things & recipe for Fear Food: Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo

 What lasts in this life? 

This morning I am reading in II Corinthians 4. It is definitely a clear outline of what lasts in this life and what we will have in the future.

Verses 16-18 say: "16For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
 17For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
 18While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."


Well this just pretty much blasts away any reason to be worried about outward appearances. Really. Being concerned with my looks can never stand up to these verses.


Verse 16 really hits home for me. I am trying to be perfect and beautiful on the outside but it is really to no avail. Someday I am going to get all wrinkly, have saggy boobs, and a rollie pollie tummy. Someday I hope to have kids. That is something that affects how I will look too. HELLO stretch marks! But that's okay. The important thing is that the inward man is renewed day by day. DAY BY DAY. We are constantly renewed and encouraged and loved by the Lord. And that is the kind of beauty that I should be focusing on and striving to perfect. I love verse 17. Its so real and honest. There is a more important and real things that wait for us in heaven. We get to spend eternity with our Lord and Savior. We should be preparing, looking forward to, and thinking on that great day when we enter heaven to spend eternity with Him. Verse 18 is awesome. I could never say it better. Just read it a couple times and let it sink in for you. 


So last night I made one of my biggest fear foods for dinner. Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo. Hello fat and calories and carbs and everything else bad for you! But I did it! I made it and I ate it. Here is the recipe (I altered it a bit)


 (not my picture....I don't have a camera :( but it looked like this kind of ! hahah! Source)
Fear Food: Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo
Serves 6 (maybe even some leftovers)
16 oz Fettuccine noodles
1/2 cup butter (really not needed...I would omit this and just saute' the onions and garlic in a TBS. of olive oil)
1/4 cup diced onions
1 TBS. minced garlic
Cooked and Peeled Shrimp (up to you on the amount)
1 cup half and half (you could really just use all milk)
1/2 cup milk
4 egg yolks (if you just use milk I would add an extra yolk to thicken it up more)
1 cup grated parmesan cheese
2 TBS. fresh chopped parsley
S & P to taste


Boil big pot of water and throw in pasta and a little salt. Stir occasionally for about  11 minutes. Meanwhile, saute' diced onions in butter on medium heat until translucent. Add minced garlic and saute' about a minute. Cook shrimp according to package instructions. Peel it and slice them into quarters.  Add shrimp to mixture and set aside. Check on that pasta. DON'T overcook pasta! Major crime! Add a bit of olive oil to pasta once cooked and stir. Add milk and half and half to a little pot and start heating on low. Get those egg yolks scrambled and pour in a little of that warm milk to temper them. Once they are a little warm add them to the milk mixture. Stir in grated parmesan cheese. Turn up heat to medium low but do not let the alfredo sauce boil. Stir frequently for about 5 minutes until it is all thick and creamy. Add in some pepper and salt (not too much). Add in shrimp mixture and sprinkle the parsley on top. Serve and enjoy!


I have not had alfredo in ....a loooooong time. It was mighty tasty. Mighty scary too! But I did it. I did not eat more than one serving though because dairy really bothers my tum tum. Especially that much. I took two digestive enzymes to help my tummy but I still ended up feeling sick for the rest of the night. Pooo.