Wednesday, January 5, 2011


So I just wrote almost a whole post and deleted it. Wow my blood is boiling. I have such a hard time dealing with mistakes like these. I start a whole process of hating myself and calling myself stupid. Ugh. I have to stop this. It was a little post that took me a half of an hour to write (half an hour?!?!?!? that's forever!!!!!!!). haha! Alright I have got to move on.

So this morning I woke up at about 3. I am kind of on a wake up early mode (not a chosen thing, just happens sometimes). I usually do lots of thinking when I can't sleep. Sometimes it is a good thing sometimes it isn't. Many times I lie there feeling sorry for myself. Today was a bit different thankfully. A bit more productive.

When I went to the doctors about a month ago, I was really not in a good place mentally. I had fasted the day before and the day of the appointment because I knew they would be weighing me. I was still in denial that I had a  real problem. I was kind of being a brat to be honest. My poor mother. I made her do all the talking. I was not going to admit why I was there and that I had a problem.

They took a bone density scan and drew blood to see if there had been any damage to my body because of the anorexia. To be perfectly honest I didn't care what I had done to my body. I just let them scan me and take my blood because I had to. I didn't even care what the results were going to be.

I received a call from a nurse a few days later. Thankfully I had done no long term damage to my body. She said that I had osteopenia (low bone density and the first stage of osteoporosis). I also had an extreme deficiency of vitamin D. When she told me this it was like someone telling me that the sky was blue. I didn't care. My mom went an got the prescription strength vitamin D (50,000 mg per pill!!!!!) It is weird though I wasn't concerned or anything.

Anyways, this morning I was thinking about this. I started remembering how apathetic I was towards the affects that anorexia has on the human body. We need food. We are made to eat food. If we don't eat that food, functions of our body stop or deteriorate. I had a realization that I was hurting my body when I wasn't eating enough and a well balanced diet. I started to think about the fact that I was hurting my very bones. That isn't even something I can see. That is deep inside. That is a core element to me. 

After about a month delay, I finally see the ramifications of this disorder I am battling. I think it will make it an easier battle to win. Think about it. I have all the cards on my side. Anorexia has nothing. Nothing but the "hope" of living a bony/skinny/tormented/slavelike life. I have the Lord, my family, Mary Ellen, my friends, my health, and so much more all rooting for me to win over that little voice in my head (in reality, the loud voice in my head!). 

I am so thankful for this realization. However things are not all perfect all of a sudden. The reason that I started thinking about all this is that fact that I am going back to the doctors this morning to get my depression medication signed off on. After my "realization", I also realized that they would be weighing me. A sudden wave of darkness, guilt, fear, and self destruction passed over me. I had not even thought about the fact that they would be weighing me. I immediately started regretting how much I ate yesterday (we had a thanksgiving feast with my mom's side of the family...thanksgiving x 2!!!!). I started planning how I was going to work out for a couple hours before I went because maybe it would shed a little weight off of me (completely unrealistic, I know). I thought about how I wouldn't eat breakfast before I go. How thankful I was that I remembered to take magnesium before bed so that I would be able to take my morning dump before I went to the doctors (a little less weight). I also thought about how I have a granola bar in my closet that I have been saving. 

I am allergic to maltodextrin. It basically clears my entire system in about a half an hour. I have been saving it. You want to know why? I have been saving it so that I can use it as a laxative. I have been saving it for a day when I need to shed weight fast and look thin. Hahahha! How ridiculous is that?????? I am using a granola bar as a way too literally poop all my troubles away (sorry a little tmi)! Wow, anorexia does some crazy things to a person.

Anyways, I am kind of battling this situation right now. Everything is telling me, "GO WORK OUT LIKE A MAD PERSON!!!!!!!!! DON'T EAT BREAKFAST BEFORE YOU GO!!!!!!!!!! EAT THE GRANOLA BAR LAXATIVE!!!!!!!!" Ahhh...I want to so badly. I always have this fear too that people are going to think I am overreacting and that I don't really have a problem. I know I have gained weight. I know it. And it has not just been a little weight. Its been a lot (okay like 3 pounds, not a lot, but it feels like a cow, and I haven't weighed myself all week...I have probably gained another pound). I am seriously afraid that my doctor is going to look at how much I have gained and say, "PshAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! I hate this! 

I do have a problem don't I?!?!? Ack. I woke up feeling so clarified in my mind. Now I am so confused. I hate this. I hate this sin and guilt and pressure. Lord, please help me! I want to go back to my anorexic ways so badly. I was in so much control then. I need to go write this down in my ABCDE diary. Post later. :(

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