Wednesday, January 5, 2011


So yesterday I went to see Mary Ellen (counselor). I look forward to meeting with her so much. All week long I just wanted to talk with her and get help from her. Its kind of funny because I usually leave her office refreshed and rejuvenated. But then its like the emotions kick in later on in the day and I struggle for a couple days afterword. I get all snappy and sad. I don't know what it is. Maybe my brain is just trying to process it all? I don't know. But even though I know I won't be happy for a couple days afterword.....if I just wait a few more days I am feeling so much better and her sessions mean something to me. 

Sooooo....again....I met with her yesterday. She gave me what she called a "homework assignment" (since I am done with school....YAY!). The assignment is to basically write down in my ABCDE diary different situations that happen that make me upset. Then I have to dispute them. 

Let me explain. The A stands for activating event (this could be seeing someone thin at the store, looking at myself in the mirror, someone saying they are fat when they are not....etc.) B stands for the belief. So when that thin person says their fat, I look at myself and say "Well, if they think they are fat than I must be huge!" C stands for consequences. So the consequence is that I am all down on myself thinking I'm fat over someone else. I have to recognize that it is a lie and not true. D stands for disputing irrational belief. So then I say to myself, "It doesn't matter if so and so thinks they are fat. I am the weight I am. God created me to be at this weight (this is when I am a healthy weight again). I am not fat. I should not be compared to others. I am my own person. I am beautiful for being me. Etc. E stands for the effects of rational beliefs. I feel Beautiful, Worthy of Love, Confidant, Happy, Not guilty, etc. 

She assigned it to me yesterday and things have come up (activating events) but for some reason I am to scared to write them down. I don't know why. I feel like I am just overreacting and that the events aren't that catastrophic and it would be embarrassing to write down. Ugh. I just need to do it. I know it will help. Hopefully this will start me on a new way of thinking about myself. I hope it helps!

....I went shopping with my sister in law Rachel yesterday! I think the depression and anorexia makes me not want to get together with people and to just be a homebody. But I got over it and just said yes to getting together before I could think about an excuse to say no. Do you ever feel like that? Its like I really get lonely and I want friends and I want to see them. But then when they contact me or ask me if I want to get together....I freak out and find a way to say no. It is so weird. Am I the only one like this?

Signing off,

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are not the only one. I feel lonely but at the same time I don't want to see anybody because I don't feel comfortable around people. Twisted logic :)