Saturday, January 15, 2011

A snowy walk!

Hello all! Today is a good day. Thank goodness for that! This morning I cried for a while and it really made me feel better. I haven't cried in several days (thats a record....hahah just kidding!) and so it felt good to just let it out. Last night we went to go see The Kings Speech (GO SEE IT!)! On the way there I just wanted to burst out sobbing. I was so upset. It was over silly things too.

So last night I was planning on eating some soup for dinner but then my mom told me that she had reheated some leftover spaghetti and meatballs. So I kind of felt like I needed to have that since she already had it ready. The thing is I really didn't want to eat that. And it made me realize something. I have to sike myself up for the food I am going to be eating. seriously. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I have to. I have to plan and know what I am going to be eating or else I get really upset. Like the other night when I had hot dogs (woo hoo I did it!) I had to sike myself up for it for a couple of hours. Once I knew that was what we were having for dinner I had to prepare myself mentally. Does anyone else have to do this? Anyways, I had to be flexible last night and it really bothered me. Then we left late for the movie which really bothered me too. In the car I just wanted to burst out sobbing....but I didn't want to spoil the night for the rest of the family so I just held it inside. Anyways, it felt good to just release this morning.

Yesterday and the day before I took Henry (my dog) for a walk! We were finally able to go since most of the snow ( i thought) had been shoveled of of peoples sidewalks. well....they weren't really shoveled so we had to trudge through but he loved it
Henry in the snow. Sorry its blurry!
I realized something on this walk too. Whenever I am out in nature I feel strong and beautiful. It seriously is the only time I feel this way. When I was on this walk I felt cute in my baggy jeans, big sweater, scarf, and huge sunglasses. No I didn't have a great outfit on. No I didn't do my hair well that day. No I didn't have new clothes on. But I still felt beautiful. There is something about looking at all of God's creation that just inspires me. I am reminded of the beauty of this world and the beauty that God has bestowed on me. I love being outside! I can't wait for summer when i can be outside without freezing my toushy off!

I want to go back to what I was talking in my post about Ephesians 5. In verse 11 it talks about not being associated with or spending our precious time with the "unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them." I think this is something that we should all do. I once thought that it was crazy to out loud tell a sin to go away or to stop. But I really believe it works. I know I sound CRAZY. But seriously. Saying it outloud kind of pushes it out and brings it out in the open. When I first started my recovery, outloud I said "Go away anorexia. Go away vanity." The minute after this I felt such relief. Its like a burden was lifted. I then prayed that the Lord would fill my heart with something else. Something better. Since that day I have been stronger and had less of a burden. I did this after I watched this inspiring and helpful video (I think her focus is a little off at the end when she talks about being skinny after anorexia and all that but it is still helpful): 

Anyways, I think this verse follows along with that. You don't have to yell out and cast out any sins or anything. But I do think that we need to recognize these sins and reprove (which means to  to scold or correct) them. We need to discontinue obsessing about our appearances, control, etc (the thing that is an unfruitful work of darkness). Then we need to point out those flaws in our life and correct and reprove them! I hope this is helpful to some. I am not trying to be all judgmental and stuff. This is just something that I have needed to work on with myself. I hope it is helpful! Have a wonderful Saturday!


Katy said...

I loved reading this :)

I don't anymore but I used to have to plan my next meal and KNOW what I was having just for the feeling of control. It wasn't that I needed to prepare myself mentally, it was because I didn't like surprises. Now, I can eat whatever willy nilly which is awesome. I love surprises :P

I love being out in nature too. There is something about fresh air that lifts up my spirits :)


Anonymous said...

i just found you girl! love your blog and your story is really inspirational!

Anonymous said...

You are so inspirational, my friend.

I want to try to make you feel less alone with your need to plan, and to really prepare yourself infront of meals and snacks. I can relate to it 100%, and for me it is a part of recovery. Living with anorexia is "easy" in someway - you just stick to your safe routines, not that much thinking needed as your life is very much repeat,repeat,repeat ( or : restrict, restrict, restrict = the Golden Rule for acting). With recovery comes challenges, as we are no longer accepting to be controlled by ED. We are starting to rebel, and food turns into great challenges. Because this food is something part of us do not want to eat - hence we need to prepare ourself, activate our desire to LIVE infront of each meal and snack. Food changes meaning - during anorexia food is safe, because we feel in control. During recovery food becomes scary, because we must force ourself to eat more, at new ( and more frequent) times, new types of food that has been defined as bad... All of these changes make it necessary for me to prepare and plan. I can think of eating pasta with meat for one week, before I actually find the strength to do it. It becomes easier after a while, and hopefully one day we'll no longer base our decisions on "good"- "bad" food :)

Hm. After writing all of this I am not sure if it made any sense, or if I actually managed to express my opinion. Haha. Ouch.

Oh well - feel proud of yourself fighter! You are expressing an increasingly stronger desire to live, and that makes me so very, very happy.


Lisa said...

I jsut found you as well!! I'm glad that I found this blog! I've really been trying to turn ED things around..and reading this has been an inspiration!!!