Saturday, January 29, 2011


So I meant to post this on Tuesday...oops! 
Long time no write, huh. Well this week has been interesting so far. I am still striving forward and trying to do my best at being spontaneous and adventurous with my foods. However, even though I felt like I was on cloud nine last Friday, reality or rather ed has come back to me. Its so discouraging. I am happy, feel beautiful, and am content with how I look and then the next day I feel ugly, unhappy, and discontent. I know that I am slowly but surely getting better though. I have made a lot of progress.

Today I met with Mary Ellen. It was a good but really hard time. Since I have started going to her (its been something like 3 or 4 months), I have only gained 5 pounds. That is not so great. She told me that I really need to try to pick up the pace and try to really gain weight. This is so scary. I have that terrible fear that once I reach my healthy weight again, that I will lose control and start eating everything in my path and start sitting around all day. I have this irrational fear that I will spin out of control and end up miserable. This is crazy though because I LOVE healthy food and I LOVE exercising. Why do I have this fear that all of a sudden my personality will change and I will be an old miser. I explained this to her and she was very understanding. I think I have this fear because when I was at a healthy weight, I was terribly unhappy. I felt alone, ugly, lazy, I ate horribly....all that jazz. But I am different now. I have to start believing in myself and my capability to not become a couch potato. 

Another thing that is bothering me is someone in my family. I have been so close to my this person all this year and she has helped me so much. However, lately she has been saying things that make recovering from ED really hard. Today she told me that she thinks that I shouldn't gain as much weight as Mary Ellen suggests for me. She said that would be kind of ,"heavy." I was surprised at her telling me this. She then went on to question why I stopped doing cardio and acted like it was silly for me to stop and that I should continue to do so because having cardiovascular health is important. I wanted to say "Duh. I know that!" However, I just nodded and told her that I really can't do cardio right now due to my mental health. I would be doing it for the wrong reasons and it would make recovery much harder. She acted confused and kind of just shrugged it off. I don't understand it. It is so frustrating to have the people surrounding you not know the mental processes of those with ed. 

A sister used to always talk about weight, looks, nutrition and all that stuff. It was her main topic of conversation. I asked her to stop talking about it. She did for a while and then she went back to doing it. So I asked her again and she stopped. This last weekend however, she was going through old pictures of herself and saying how big her arms were and how bad she looked. I hate how she always criticizes my other sister too for her weight. She used to always talk about how my other sister and I were the large ones and how she was the fit one. Now that I have anorexia, she doesn't talk about me. But she still breaks down my other sister in this way. Why? Why does she do this? Its terrible. The thing is I used to follow along with it and agree with her. I am so glad that I know see the detrimental effects of this kind of conversation. Anyways, all of these things have been bothering me and have made it really hard for me to recover.

So this is a major Debbie Downer post but I just needed to tell someone I feel like I am in the midst of a battlefield right now and I am praying that I win! 
On Sunday, the sermon was amazing. Spoke right to my heart. It was about Psalm know "He leadeth me beside still waters...He restoreth I anointed you . . . I delivered you . . . I gave you . . . and gave you the house of Israel and Judah . . . I also would have given you much more." The Lord has given me numerous opportunities to turn from my sin and enjoy the Lord and honor Him with my life. But I and Satan has chosen sin for my life. This can be changed though. WE HAVE HOPE!! "So David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD.And Nathan said to David, "The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die. " The Lord showed grace to David. David murdered a man. In today's world he would have probably received the death penalty. The Lord is full of grace though and forgives us our sin. I just have to recognize my sin and turn from it. This is so much easier said than done. But David went on to be an AMAZING king and was also in the lineage of Jesus. The Lord honors those who follow Him and turn from their sin. 

Because David experienced many struggles in his life and sinned greatly........near the end of his life he could say:

 1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

This was an amazing meal we had the other day: Chicken with cranberry dressing and roasted veggies with feta.

One of my favorite dinners ever.
I have to share this cranberry sauce recipe with you!!!!!!!!!! It is the one we use for Thanksgiving. I will post it on Monday!


L. said...

I know fighting an ED can be a long and drawn out battle. I know sometimes it's easy to wonder if it's even worth it. But it is ! If you just hang in there things will get better and better.

I also experience the irrational fear that if I let go of some of my old habits and mindsets I will go to the opposite extreme and become super unhealthy. But it's all in my head because like you I genuinly enjoy healthy eating and exercise, and I know that wouldn't change any time soon.

I'm sorry you have people in your surroundings who make it harder then it already is for you. I hope you don't always listen to their advice and do what's best for you instead.

Take care and hang in there!


Lily said...

you can fight this!! Don't let ED's lies or unhealthy ideas keep you from being healthy and happy!!