I just got home from counseling. Wow. It was great. Hard. But great. I feel so much better. I was really upset today. I cried a lot. I feel so go now that I am drinking Peppermint Hot Chocolate. YUM. I haven't had hot chocolate in forever. I tried to make hot chocolate with unsweetened cocoa powder a few weeks ago. Nasty. Didn't taste like hot chocolate. You just have to have the sugar. And the crushed up candy cane helps. :D
Mary Ellen started reading off my ABCDE journal entries at the very beginning. It was really humbling. I felt so ridiculous hearing her read what I wrote but it was what I was feeling at the time. I think she got a deeper perspective of who I am from reading it. (oh man this hot chocolate is so good....go get some right now!) Anyways, she talked a lot about how I view myself and how I hate myself. She thinks that a lot of it comes from neglect as a child. I don't know what its from. Maybe it was neglect. Like I said, I don't know.
Anyways, she talked a lot with me about how God loves me, skinny or fat, smart or stupid, happy or sad, angry or kind, ugly or beautiful, etc. It was amazing. For one of the first time in my life I really felt that God loves me for me. She kept on reminding me that I am the first and last of my kind. How amazing is that? I am the only one. I am unique and special. He made me to be me.....not Heidi Klum or Hilary Duff. ME. Why do I compare myself to people so much? Shouldn't I be looking to the Lord for His approval? And better yet....I don't have to work for that approval! HE ALREADY LOVES ME! He knows my heart, my imperfections, and my sin better than anyone and yet He has chosen me to be the object of His affection. I don't have to have all those attributes that would lead me to being the unachievable perfection I strive for.
She also talked about the parable of the prodigal son. The father loved his son despite what he had done. He didn't even care what his son had done. All he cared about was the fact that he was alive and there with him. That's all....no more....no less. This is the way the Lord thinks of us. He doesn't care what we do and what we weigh. He cares about whether or not we believe in Him. He is never going to give up on us. We might run from Him, but He will never leave us nor forsake us. And what am I doing? I am looking to the world.......those who will leave me, forsake me, wrongly judge me, hate me, despise me, etc. for the love I am desiring. How twisted is that?!?!!?!? I could have all the love in the world that I wanted and I am choosing a half love. A human love. I need to search out that God love. The love that no one else can give me.
In Luke 15 Jesus tells of the lost son: "I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate."
I love how human this story is. The lost son, after all the sins he had commited, decided to go back to hi father. He planned out his speech to say to him (you know the speech we plan out in our head, "Mom, Dad, I am sorry for not obeying you. I won't stay out as late next time.") And when his father just sees him....before he has apologized or anything.....his father runs to him with hugs and kisses and excepts him as he is. He is not mad that his son was gone. The only thing in his heart is the joy that his son is with him now. Thats it.
The son then tries to give his speech but the father doesn't even remark or anything on it. He doesn't even scold his son or tell him how disappointed he was in him. He calls to his servants and makes him like a king. Throws him a party and accepts him into his loving care. This is just what the Lord does for us.
I am running back to the Lord now. I know that I have been lost. I have been entrapped in the sin of wanting to please others and making weight and beauty my idol. And he isn't judging me for it. Right now....I can feel in my heart his love, his arms, and his kisses for me. His lost daughter. The one that was dead but is alive again. The one that was lost and is found.
We always skip over the last part of this passage in Luke. The not so pleasant part. It goes something like this:
"25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
This is exactly how I have been. I have been expecting my works and obedience and my striving for perfection to be what God would consider praiseworthy and acceptable. I have known in my head forever that it is not works that get me salvation. But I don't think I have ever realized that it is not my works that make me lovable and worthy of love. Believing on the Lord Jesus is the best thing I can do. I don't want to live trying to be perfect. I never can be. I never will be. And yet the Lord still loves me. And He is the only one that I should be looking to for unconditional love and acceptance. Not the people of this world. They will let me down. I will let myself down. But HIS love will see me through. HIS love will make me whole. HIS love has given me life and a hope. I love the song How He Loves By the David Crowder Band.
I know that everything is not solved and that I am still going to struggle (this scares me) but I feel like I have taken a HUGE leap forward. Not just with the anorexia, but with my self image, self worth, and my relationship with the Lord. I am glad that I have this blog to write this out. It will be good to come back and remember all the thoughts that are coursing through my head right now. Thank you Lord for your LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!