Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Recap on Life

So I don't really have many readers. Probably just the blogger But I want to just reflect on the last few weeks that I haven't posted about. Things have been good and bad. Right after I started taking my depression meds I felt awesome! For 2 weeks straight (ya you heard me) I was for the most part happy. I have not gone that long without feeling terribly sad in....years. It was great. I had more great times with Mary Ellen (counselor). She just keeps on showing me how much the Lord loves me and cares about my life. However, last week was utter crap. Seriously. Yuck. I felt fat, ugly, guilty, depressed, all the usual stuff that has taken over my life for the past few years. I don't know what reversed everything. It was like a flick of a switch. I was being irrational all over again and felt the terrible guilt again. 

Friday night (Christmas Eve) was not so fun. It started out with watching a fave Christmas movie of mine and ended with crying and a "discussion" with the whole family. We always have these "discussions" on holidays. Its wierd how it always works out that way. Anyways, it ended up being good to get some things out and work through some family issues. I woke up on Christmas and ate breakfast and such. We were supposed to have a big family breakfast but my parents were talking about the previous night (a good talk I hear) and we didn't end up eating until 1. We had a delicious breakfast/brunch/lunch of blueberry pancakes, bacon, steamed spinich, fried eggs, and grapefruit! Yum! 

We then opened our stockings (we opened big gifts with Dave and Rach present on Thursday). I got lots of goodies! 

I gave Sarah a cool mug that a friend from work made. Even though the gifts were just didn't really feel like Christmas. And my week of blues was still continuing. However watching some Jim Gaffigan made me laugh and watching Inception made me LOVE Leo so much more! hahah! I ended up watching it again (twice actually) on sunday! Hahah! I love that movie! But I ate a lot of food. Really I did. And even though I felt guilty and bad about really was nothing compared to how I used to feel after eating junk. Yesterday was pretty terrible though. I cried and cried and cried. No clue why. Okay maybe I do. I think it was a combo of a stinky Christmas, irrational thinking, ED thoughts, missing my bro and sis in law, feeling disconnected with my friends this holiday season, etc. However today is proving to be much better.

I actually just conquered something that ED has always caused problems with. I pretty much don't let anyone touch my food. Hahah! That sounds crazy....but really.......I make my breakfast and lunch everyday. Many times I make my own dinner. I don't like people touching my food. Why? Because they don't know the rules I have made for myself. However, today my mom offered to warm me up some soup she had made. My first instinct was to say..."No I will get it myself." But I decided, "No. I need to let mom do whatever she wants with my food and I will eat it." I think it meant a lot to her that she could make me lunch without me fussing over what she was making me. She offered for me to have a salad on the side. I loved the idea...however when she gave it to was one of those salad's that says "I'm saying that I am a salad but really I am just an excuse for lots of dressing, cheese, and meat." I kinda freaked. She put practically a gallon of blue cheese dressing on it, tons of cut up ham slices, and LOTS OF CHEESE! One word: CALORIES. However I told myself I was going to eat it. So I did. And it was good! The soup (french onion) was delish. The salad was good too (I really don't like that much dressing and cheese though...even if they were 5 cal's each). But I did it. Actually I didn't finish per say. I ate all the "salad" but I couldn't finish my soup. I was proud of myself though. I did it!

Tonight I am going to a Christmas Party at a friends. I wish I were excited. I am going to try to get pumped up for it! I am not going to 1. worry about the party food drinks I will consume 2. worry about what others think of me and how much I eat. Its going to be fun if I make it fun!!! So that's what I am going do! I wish I didn't have to force this on myself and that it just came natural like it used to. I used to love parties and seeing friends. Now it is a source of fear and anxiety. That's going to change though. I know it. I just need some time! I need to go write an email now! Bubye!

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