Friday, January 7, 2011

Scared to eat.

So yesterday afternoon I went to see Mary Ellen (counselor). And I was as honest as honest could be. I weighed myself on Tuesday and I have lost weight. Lovely. I REALLY thought that I had gained weight over the last week and a half. I was really disappointed in myself. I did not want to tell Mary Ellen. I KNOW that I have to gain this weight back. But I don't want someone to tell me that and to be monitoring what I am eating! But she was asking all about my anorexia and stuff and I just kind closed my eyes and told her. She was so sweet and thanked me for my honesty.

Sooo after she heard that I have been loosing weight and that I am frustrated with myself she started asking what I was eating. I told her and she thought that I was on a pretty good track but definitely need to amp up the protein and fat. I LOVE protein...can't stand fat. Gross. Even the thought of what fat really is makes me gag. Butter (I literally  just got goosbumps from thinking about it....gross!), milk, non fat free dairy products...yeah all of it has to start entering my diet. She is also going to have me start to keep a food journal. This makes me really nervous. Immediately I start worrying about what I have been eating and if I am unhealthy and all of that. Yesterday I was hungry and didn't let myself eat because I didn't want to write it down in the food journal because I don't want Mary Ellen to think I eat too much. Rational? NO WAY. Why do I think like this?

In the end though I was honest again....uhhh...being honest is painful sometimes...and told her that I know the major reason why I am not gaining weight. E.X.E.R.C.I.S.E. Yeah. I addicted. I am a cardio junkie. I do more cardio than i would really like to fess up to. No I am not a marathoner that runs 18 miles three times a week. But I do do way too much....especially since I am a person who is trying to gain weight and get back my period. I can't stop though. Ahhhh....I love it so much...and I HAVE to do it. At least that is how I feel. I am going to have to give it up sometime though. Not completely of course...no no no way ....don't scare me like that!!!!! :P But I am going to have to start to back off a little. I put way to much priority and time into running my butt off. Its kind of like my idol. Sounds crazy I know but it really is getting in the way of my relationship with God. Before I sit down to read my Bible I have to work out. Before I take time to pray I have to work out. You wanna know why? Because I know that the Lord is not pleased with me concerning this. And I am too guilty to face Him about it.

Anyways, I am going to not let writing my food down stop me from eating when i am hungry and I am going to stop doing SO much cardio. More strength training. I want muscles anyways. Bring on the protien and the wieghts! :D Have an awesome day all!

Ooooh oooh P.S. I ate OIAJ yesterday for the first time! YUM! too much fun! not enough peanut butter left in the jar though...my other peanut butter obsessed sister scraped it pretty clean already! Still yummy though!

1 comment:

solskinn88 said...

Awww, my fighter - recovery is tough. It might be the hardest battle you ever experience. But it is all worth it in the end, as it is the only way to save your life.
I know the anxiety related to eating food you have defined as bad and scary, but try to trust your therapist. She does not want to harm you. ED on the other hand, the voices and thoughts, they are the ones out on a mission : destructing your life.

Please, keep writing in the food journal. Your therapist will not judge you because of what you eat, she is in your life to help you. To support and lead you in the right direction.

You can do this - and know that you can reach out to me.

Hedda.