Wednesday, January 5, 2011

WARNING: A Debbie Downer Post About.... BOYS!

So I have been doing lots of thinking lately. As always. I'm a constant thinker. Many times its to my own detriment. I think and over think stuff way to often. I think its the perfectionist in me! :P Anyways, I have been thinking way to much about my appearance lately. I hate that. I really hate how vain I am. (and yes I hate it...and that's okay because we are supposed to hate sin, right?) Why have I become so concerned about my appearance. Its terrible. I used to excuse this vanity as just being self conscious. I don't like how I look. I am not vain in that I think I am beautiful and post pictures of myself everywhere and can't stop looking at myself. I am vain in that I get so upset when there are pictures posted on facebook of me (i really don't like pictures of myself...I would rather never have a picture taken of me). I avoid looking in the mirror because I don't like what I see. I spend hours sometimes trying to find an outfit that will redeem me. I think this is all a huge reason why I became anorexic. I have always thought that I was ugly. I think that my face is ugly, hair is ugly, feet are ugly, everything. And I always thought mybody was ugly (like my stomach, legs, arms). So after years of trying to change the appearance of my face and hair with no avail, I decided that I would change my body. That was something that I could control. So I did. And here I am. More insecure and worried about my body than ever. UGH. 

Why am I so obsessed with how I look? I know this is going to sound weird but I have no deformities or really any appearance that is REALLY odd or disfigured. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I can't seem to be satisfied. I feel so guilty about this. God has given me so much...and I am so unthankful and dissatisfied. I read verses and know that I need to change this but as hard as I try (okay I probably don't try hard enough) I am not happy with how I look.

So before this year I have never been asked out by a guy. Never. I was asked out for the first time at age eighteen by a guy who was cute I'll admit it, but a major jerk too. This has killed me. I am so ashamed of this. I have lived with friends telling me about how this guy likes them and how that guy has asked them out for years. I have been so jealous. I have known of one other guy who FOR SURE liked me when I was like 13. But that's it. That is my guy history. I have GORGEOUS sisters and weekly, yes weekly, they tell me about some guy that asked them out or some guy who likes them. It hurts so much to hear this. And whats worse is that I was asked out when I was my thinnest. I feel like that is the only time that I am attractive to the male species. When I am skinny as heck. My plan worked in my head. I became attractive when I was so skinny. Why? Why did I have to be asked out FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER when I was my thinnest? This does no good for my recovery.  

Because I am a girl, I want to be accepted and beautiful by guys. Its just my nature. But I have put so much concern and waste of time into this. I am so selfish, vain, and wrong and I just want out. I feel like I can never get out of this. I know I can, with the Lord's help but it ain't happenin' quickly. I don't tell anyone these things becauseTHE LAST thing that I want is pitty and people telling me I am beautiful because they feel like they  have to in order for me to feel good about myself. I have dug this pit for myself and don't know how to get out. HELP! 

I honestly don't feel like I can truly recover from my anorexia until I have resolved this. I don't know how to resolve it. I read my Bible and pray but I never feel at peace in this area of my life. I live in fear that because I am so vain and selfish that God is going to cause me to get into an accident that will disfigure me or I will get some disease that will make me ugly. God isn't like that. He doesn't just strike us down when we are weak. Yet, I am so guilty about this that I feel like I deserve that in order for me to learn my lesson. Okay well enough of this. I am going to go work out in hopes that I somehow can become beautiful. Lovely cycle, huh? 


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