Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Flip a Switch

So I did it again. I just deleted my last post. AHHHHHHHHHHH! But I am not going to let it bother me. I did an abcde diary entry yesterday after deleting my post. It helped. Here it is:
Adversity: I accidentally erased a blog post that I had been writing for a half an hour.
Belief: I am stupid, a time waster, worthless, shameful, not good enough, cannot be trusted, cannot succeed, powerless, insignificant, a disappointment, a failure, I have to be perfect, I should have done something, and I cannot trust myself.
Consequences: I want to give up. I want to not write another post because I feel like I am a failure and there is no use. I feel not in control and I start to doubt my abilities in lots of areas. 
Disputation: It was an accident. I pushed a button (not purposefully) and it erased the post. This does not determine how smart and capable I am. I have an can succeed in life and people can trust me to get things done. I did lose a half an hour of time but it will be easy and much faster to write it a second time. No one is disappointed in me. I couldn't have prevented it. It was just an accident.
Effects: I feel more empowered with my capabilities. I realize that something like this is not something I should be upset about. The email post came out better the second time around. I feel capable to be trusted to do things in the future. 

Wow. It is amazing how much that brings my irrational frustration levels down. Rational thinking is genius. :D

So yesterday morning was kind of not a good one. My last post was kind of crazy but it is how my life is at the time. I feel like I am flipping a switch between Happiness and Peace to Sadness and Fear all the time. I know I am not bipolar and that it is just the depression. Anyways, weighed myself before I went to the doctor's (have not weighed myself in a week an a half (yay me!)) and let me say....I was not a happy sight after seeing the numbers.

I have gained 6 pounds in 4 weeks. 6. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I don't know if that is a happy ahhh or a scared ahhh. Kind of an unsure ahhhhh. I am happy that I am gaining and able to do it but I am also shocked at how fast I am gaining. I now my metabolism is messed up and stuff will be sticking to me like a tongue does to a flag pole.....but its scary. I started crying and a wave of sickness came over me after I saw how much I weighed. I didn't eat breakfast before I went to the doctor's. I couldn't. But I didn't exercise like a crazy person (I didn't have the time to to be quite frank). I also wasn't going to let myself. I kind of gave myself halfway to anorexia and halfway against anorexia. 

I know that this isn't the best. I shouldn't be serving the ana at all. Zilch. Zero. Nada. Comprende? haha! But sometimes I just have to go half way. I know I won't do this forever.....but for right now....its just a stepping stone and it is really an improvement. The fact that I didn't work out like a crazy person is a big step for me. 

Anyways, when I was weighed at the doctor's office I weighed even more than I did at my scale at home. Lovely. But because I wasn't in my own privacy (aka. nurse on my left mom on my right), I couldn't start hyperventilating. We waited for the doctor and I was scared. I didn't want her to see my weight but oh well she did. She actually didn't make any comments about it. I was the one who brought up the fact that I had gained weight (go figure.) . She didn't question for a minute that I didn't have a problem. She still talked about the fact that I had to get over the anorexia. All that jazz. I was being irrational yesterday. 

So she prescribed me some Prozac. "Depression hurts. But you don't have to." haha (advertisement!)! It wasn't what Mary Ellen suggested but she felt that it would be the best to help me with anorexia. Walmart (oh how I loathe you), ran out of prozac I guess and won't have any until wednesday or thursday. So I guess I will now if it is working in about 2 weeks or so (it takes a week to really feel any different). Ah. I hate med's. Yuck. Oh will help. I am looking forward to not having the crazy "flip of the switch" moments as often. I feel crazy!

One thing that I am kind of upset about is that my doctor told me that I need to stop exercising so much. It was nice though because she admitted to me that exercise for lots of people is a stress reliever and an emotional help. But she said that the depression med'snothin! Now if I work out for more than that she is going to be worried. My mom never gets upset at my anorexic habits but I know that they hurt her and worry her. I don't want to do that. 

I feel like now I need to exercise in secret and not let my mom now how much I am exercising. I don't want to do that. I want to be open and honest. I don't want ana to be telling me to hide stuff from the very person who has saved my life and helped me so much. This is gonna be hard. I have to do it though because I need to get my period back. And my doctor thinks that I won't be able to when I am working out so much. I want to prove to her that it can come back with the weight gain but I doubt that it will. 

You see, I first lost my period in June. At that point I was still in the 140's. BUT, I was exercising about 1.5-2 hours a day. So it wasn't just the weight loss. It was the exercising. I hate to admit it....but I think she is right. I might have to go on birth control though to really get it back. Not only for that but also for the bone loss in my vertebra. I guess they use birth control to regain the estrogen that helps with bone mass for people who are pre-menopausal.  

I think I will cut my time of working out in half. Instead of 2 hours....1 hour. And I will do some days of just 30 minutes. That's okay. I won't become a flabby mess. Most people don't work out every day of the week for even 30 minutes. I am ahead of the game. ( i am saying that but I don't believe it). Like I said this will be a battle and challenge. But I will overcome it. I have to. I want to have children some day and its stupid that I am hurting my chances by exercising so much. exercise is exercise. It is not eternal and it is not where I should find my value in. I'm hungry. OATMEAL TIME!


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